I keep thinking of those moments. The little baby girl fell asleep in my arms; the little babies held my fingers; the little babies sitting on my lap.
I remembered those moments. On New Year's Eve, we all stayed up late for the legend said that children staying up late would increase the parents' longevity. Somewhere after midnight, I always fell asleep before the dawn. As I recalled, either my dad or my sisters would carry me back to bedroom. Those moments my head was leaning against their chests. The warmth, the ease, the sense of security. It seemed that the whole world was perfect and would not crash for whatever reason. It was fairy tale.
After failing to fulfill a dream of involving in a romantic relationship, I guessed I had moved onto next dream. Still a dream about family, my own family, a dream about the realization of motherhood. It was odd to review my thoughts on this matter.
Growing up in a big family, I did not have any desire of having kids. Seeing my parents went through trouble lining up tuitions every beginning of every semester, I did not want to repeat such financial burden. Magic 28; before turning into 29 in a couple of weeks, the 28-yr-old me wanted children of my own. The break-up was a wake-up call. However close two people were, at some point, they would disappoint each other. But at least, motherhood did make a woman grow. That was what I saw from my sisters. Perhaps because I was a woman, I desired for children—yes, in plural tense, I wanted my kids to have siblings. The sisterhood enriched my life in a way I would not give anything to trade.
Being let down closed one's heart. I geared toward a different direction: church and babies. For a grad student, it was a luxurious dream to have a balanced life with rich social activities. For a woman at the age of 29 pursuing her Ph.D., it was a luxurious dream to form a complete family before the clock of her physical condition stopped ticking.
---
Post-words:
Ironically, I was aware of the fact that human by nature craved for something that we did not have. The beauty of conscience was that it helped you paused and rethought of what your unncessary desires did to your soul. The dreams motivated me moving forward, while the reality strengthened me from inside. It was ok to have dreams, but never forgot what you had at the present moments—for those moment, someday, could become the warmth rescued you from the chill. Be grateful, be humble, but never stop dreaming.
文章定位：
人氣(171) | 回應(0)| 推薦 (
0)| 收藏 (
0)|
轉寄
全站分類:
不分類
