07/11/2014
I honestly don’t know how full time homemakers/moms make it. In
my head, I’m aware that by God’s grace, somehow, He will make it. Yet, in the
midst of dealing with uncertainty, unpredictability, and a desire for
flexibility, I find myself burned out. Of course, I cannot pin all these on S.
He’s been pretty flexible and cooperative already. He’s a toddler; of course he
cries to communicate regarding his needs.
Out of pride I signed up for two nighttime classes this
summer. I'd like to prove that I'm still capable of something, even though I'm pregnant. It has caused a toll starting with my sleep deprivation. After finishing teaching
and arriving home past 10pm, I need time to decompress and ease into the
bedtime mood. Several nights, if not every night, I listened to S and my
husband’s breathing sounds in the middle of the night with my eyes wide open,
not knowing when, if I could, I would be able to grab descent rest. I wish for
many things that I should not ask: a cup of sparkling wine after teaching,
someone to talk about my day, my class, a cup of coffee with high dose of
caffeine and amazing aroma in the morning, etc. But I cannot have any of the
above because there is a new life growing in me, a new life that I’m
responsible for.
At the end of the day, I am just empty. Even when I try my
best, but I cannot meet all S’ needs, such as holding him (my belly and back
have warned me), or when I lack sleep and lost my patience on him and raised my
voice at him, I felt terrible and sad. No matter how hard I try, there will be
always some students unhappy about my arrangements (not that making them happy
is my job, but from time to time I do have my concern whether they vent through
their evaluations which is pretty much the only statistics the college looks
at). To make the family eat healthy and economic, I have to think hard about
menus and shopping lists. Seriously, full-time moms, how did you do it?
To add to my worry list, recently my husband is seeking a
promotion—positions that pay more bucks and bear more responsibilities with likely increasing amount of out-state traveling. As
his life partner, I’d be thrilled to see him succeed and claim the promotion.
As the mother of his children, I very much would prefer him being able to come
home early and spend the weekends with the family and not leave me taking care of two kids on my own.
Planning a family, if there is any lesson to be learned, at
least from my perspective, is all about losing control. The more I try to plan
and control, the more I lose control of myself. We try to ease S into sleeping
on a twin size mattress, so we can save the money from buying another crib.
Today, I finally caved in. I couldn’t sleep last night until 2am-ish. After an
early lunch, I so hoped S would sleep for a couple of hours. But the mattress
just didn’t work. He kept getting up to play toys. At some point he cried,
without understanding what was going on, I checked his diaper and put him back
to his crib. Within ten minutes, he was out. He is just not ready for a regular
bed yet. Having him sleeping in his crib, I actually have time to do other
things without worrying him getting out of the room and falling off the stairs.
Make no mistakes. I’m venting my frustration, but not
blaming all these on God. He knows me; I usually have to learn things the hard
way. I’m not that smart or wise. It was scary though, when I realized I was
craving for some things I didn’t have. Seeing friend’s pictures on facebook, I
hoped for a get-away: away from pregnancy, away from kids, away from students,
away from a husband who prefers no cuddling because that would disturb his
sleep (or him worrying disturbing mine).
God’s grace is sufficient for today. I confess my
transgression and beg for God’s forgiveness and deliverance. I long for that
sense of peace knowing that I’ve tried my very best, even though the result is
not perfect, I’ve given my best. I’m grateful that S’s very forgiving. Even
after my raised voice shocked him, he rarely held any grudge against me (at
least not that I’m aware of …) I love those books I read to him over and over
while he sits on my lap or in my arms, those moments he turns his face upward
and looks at me with his beautiful and innocent eyes together with a big smile
that shows his eight front teeth. I love his baby scent that seems to cast a spell
over me. I love my husband being always supportive whenever it comes to my
career choice. He always encourages me to go out and social with friends, keep
networking with my colleagues. He would’ve patiently waited for the second
child, only if my biologic clock could stop ticking. Set my frustration aside,
I wouldn’t trade this castle on earth for anything this world has to offer.
Lord, thou be my vision, be my wisdom. Thou presence in day
or night be my light.
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