悠悠桃源 Isaiah 55:12 "For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands." ｛如欲轉載，請註明出處，thax｝

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4/2/08

I ended it. If the feeling was not right, if what I saw was more and more difference between us, if I chose to be alone than to spend the time with him, then what was left in the relationship between us? I ended it because if I stayed on trying out this relationship for a longer period, it would be not fair to him.

Lawrence passed by. He did not wear glasses, so I assumed he did not see me. After donating blood, I remembered it was about his class time. So I waited outside his office. I did not catch him this time, but I caught him when his class ended. When I saw him, I immediately turned around because I did not know what to say, or because I knew I would be so nervous that my voice would be coarse. The glance on him made my day. I was happy all day long for seeing him. But I did not feel the same way for Ted.

When I donated blood, the guy keyed in my information asked, “Does your boyfriend go to UT too?” Spontaneously, I answered, “Oh, no, I have no boyfriend yet.” Then he asked about my numbers after he finished the information process. After I left the blood donate bus, I asked myself, “What does that make Ted?” I felt guilty and sorry for Ted because of my answer to the simple question.

I prayed, “God, please be Ted’s comfort. Use the opportunity to work within him. Show us your will.” There must be some message in this for me that God tried to tell me. I was not quite sure I was completely following. “Would I ever fall in love with someone who also loves me?” asked I. I had no answer, but I hoped the answer that God had was “Yes.” I want to feel my heart pounding; I want to be able to respond with affection.

I believed the conversation with Ted was the right thing to do. We both missed our chance. The timing was not right for us any more. I like him a year ago. I would say he was “cute” then. The answer was for sure not positive for now. But Ted chose Amy and Rachel over me since last spring. To make peace with his choice, whatever reason he had did not matter, I worked hard to get over him by now. Literally, I made myself a work-alcohol to forget about his decision, about my loneliness. As a result, this semester, I was terribly busy and because of my careless busyness, I pissed off a close friend. Too much complaining about my loneliness, I had an argument with my beloved sis. What better cost I should pay? My philosophy for living is to make sure that I have made every effort I could before I give something up. For the matter with Ted, I certainly did.

Life is a riddle, and I have no answer for it. I do not wish so either. The behind-scene secrets, at some level, are way too scary. It is a blessing to be a fool.

I feel sorry for Ted, but it is the right thing to end things between us. Truth is cruel. Most of the time, we are all scared of truth. I did not tell Ted about Lawrence. and I pray, Ted will make his peace with the whole thing.