Moon Hunting.JPG
The theme of this journal entry is about depression; who would anticipate me, Vivian, one day will encounter my own depression. This summer the flat in the house seems rather quiet and spaced: Rowan went back to Geneva before his house-moving to the flat nearby (in August); Piotr is away for his working holiday in Indonesia; and Sean hardworked during the days and nights in the living room before finally his holiday to Romania. I was lucky to have Sean around in the house and to have Rowan returned from Geneva on the same day of Sean's departure. However, the atmosphere had been to dead, serene and breathless.
I miss having Piotr's television noise and constant visiting for advises; I miss the housemates walking up and down to sort their meals and chattering in the living room. Little did I know, I was depressed.
I have been thinking about pea every single moment; crying for his misadventure and worrying about his next move. At the same time, I was so time-framed with my thesis correction and the limited freedom of having my passport discarded. More, the unwillingness to go home.
I thought they were all by all concluded as my insecurity issue that I have to deal and battle with; however, maybe its something deeper, more profound and less predictable.
Kirsty finally came to me and decided to chant with me; within very short time of conversing, she noticed I might need some sessions of emotional consultation. It was very much of a surprise to me: I could be depressed, in terms of emotional state, however, it never come across my mind as the medical symptom of depression. Then, I talked to Rowan and he confirmed that he noticed me unusually low on his first day coming back. Bump!!! I was depressed! No wonder I didn't feel the willingness to go advance and my whole life was stringed to calling pea everyday.
Kirsty suggests me to, instead of putting my goals in the prayer, chant for the members, kosenrufu and for me to feel happy. Suddenly, when I chant with this attitude, the world is broadened immediately. Feeling depressed seems very common and normal in the modern life; the risk is not being recognised by others or even by yourself; the danger is not to take active role to resolve the emotions.
Piotr is at the moment deciding whether to run the project in Indonesia or to continue his study here; Rowan is moving out tonight (basically every inch of his belongings is gone) and Sean will not return home until mid August. For a long pause, writing my thesis I felt low again. The good thing is that the Physicist lecturer Tomasz is moving in tonight (in an hour) and tonight I will head out and hunt for the full moon. I do need the moonlight to shimmer my soul and my loving side, otherwise the lately experience with study, insecurity with my UK visa and the unknown future with pea in love have been bit overflowing my life already.
