This night, I feel very tired and dizzy.
Not because I need to hold the CUFES weekly assembly,
but because I need to play my role in this situation.
In fact, I am lost to find my position in this assembly.
I don't know what things I need to do.
My bad feeling floats.
I just feel that it is an assembly without context of CUFES.
But I also know that I need to take this responsibility:
I haven't grasped the opportunity of announcement......
Thx Dr. Chan for sharing.
Listening to his story, I remember many things about the past and my past.
His sharing is the visualized version of
what I have done for the ICCF 50th anniversary Special.
I have done the part of organizaing the 70s and 90s
History of Hong Kong, Hong Kong Church, Universities and Universities Fellowship.
I don't know what HE trys to tell me in this assembly.
I remember all those 'silly' things I have done in these years of university life.
No one knows why I do so much strange things,
sometimes I can't explain why I have chosen to walk in this "unsecure" way too.
However, what I know is that, at least,
it is my proud to be HIS witness in these years.
Time flies and World changes while HE is still here!
Lord, please forgive me that I am lack of faith on HIM.
Thx Anthony for leading hymn worship.
In fact, since I know which songs he has chosen,
I know I would let me fly back to the past in the CUFES.
Hymns always remind me the relationship between HIM and me.
Between us, I know I have experienced HIS LoVe everywhere everytime.
Especially, in the CUFES, I have my dreams here
and I have lost my courage to fulfill my dream here too.
When I close my eyes, first I remember "him",
then I remember the dream about word,
and then I remember "our" dreams have lost their ways.
All things tell me that I am still I while I am no longer I.
I want to cry but I know that my tears still fail to express my feeling.
I feel lonely here.
I know no one here knows me why I am still here.
I still cannot face the pain caused by those broken dreams.
I once have naive thinking that I can try to face myself at the place I fall down.
But after this year, I know that I have hurted myself painfully
when I have forced myself to stay here and face new challenges.
For me, the CUFES is a construction of dream.
When this community of people leave and join,
everythings change at the same time.
The expiry date of the dream is short, usually shorter than one years.
From these years' experence, I have learnt that I cannot adapt to change easily.
Also, I know that I would lock myself in the past continuously.
At the same time, unfortunately, I always forget what I have learnt from the past.
P.s.
I am touched by you, you know?
I believe you can read my thankful heart through my silent smile.
Thank you.
You have helped me to tell some important things for them.
I'm sorry that I have lost my courage to play my role well.
Thank you very much......
Hope you know what I am talking.
Hope you like what you have received as your present.
P.s.
Thanks God,
let me still be alive until now......
Love from HIM, is in my heart, for you.....
24Mar2010~12:01a.m.
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