Music is My Radar http://grouper.com/Members/1649111 我把我在Elvis寫的專欄貼上來,做紀錄

145愛的鼓勵 0訂閱站台

他到的那天是2003年10月25號凌晨，前天和老闆為了一場在高雄舉辦的遊行活動南下，他說他想來看看我工作的情況。

凌晨約四點在飯店接到他的電話，他上了計程車把電話遞給司機，要我告訴他該去哪裡；因為太疲倦，接他進房後我又沉沉睡去，不過沒一小時過去，我又隨老闆去活動場地勘查了。

他第一次去到高雄，不過那忙碌的整天他獨自去了好多地方晃晃，晚上才來晚會現場。待到回飯店的時間已經是凌晨一點多鐘，原本想要兩個人去高雄的夜市走走，但是我已經幾乎累到要昏厥過去，於是我們在便利商店買了幾瓶啤酒、幾包零食就又回飯店去了。

那時剛好The Carpenters又出了精選輯，廣告強力播放。

我們抽了幾管大麻煙，恍恍惚惚的坐在床上；我在床沿，他躺在枕頭上。
“I think I’m going to pass out.”我說。
這幾管我不過是抽了幾口，卻再也動彈不得。
“But you didn’t smoke much…oh, I forgot that you are so small.”他說。
他總是說我小小一個，一吃就飽，一喝就醉。

我往後躺下，電視上正好在撥這首The Carpenters的I Need to be in Love，我也唱著：

The hardest thing I’ve ever done
Is keep believing
That someone is in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go
Through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say “no promises,
Let’s keep it simple.”
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn
That nothing comes for free
The price I’ve paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I’ve wasted too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that’s what I’ll find

他靜靜躺著，一語不發聽完我和The Carpenters的唱和。
“Do you know this one?”
“Not really. I’m not familiar with them actually.”
“This is one of those songs that I sing regularly.”

我是聽老歌長大的，有時候這些歌會對我說話；因為熟悉也好，是因為它們的確想傳達些什麼給我也好，奇妙的是這些歌在我不再年幼無知之後，彷彿都能道盡我說不出口的千言萬語。

大麻煙逐漸侵入腦神經，接下來我說的話現在已經記不得了，我只記得我唸過一遍歌詞給他聽，然後闔上眼我又睡去。但在那之後我能感覺到他握著我的手，不時還用大拇指搓搓，像是有人在身邊為我唱著搖籃曲，或是低聲讀著枕邊故事。
我們整夜握著手，那種安全感比擁抱更令我珍惜。

沒想到，freedom only helps you say goodbye.
再不久就兩年了，陸陸續續也聽的到他的消息，想想過去似乎也不再那麼恨。
我們從來沒有談過分開的理由，沒有面對面坦承心裡的感受。

現在我聽著這首歌，再度想到他和那神奇的夜晚，兩人沉默地躺在白色大床上，沒有開燈，只剩下電視閃爍在四周牆上的反光；不怪大麻煙使我們無法交談，或許那夜是我唯一向他訴說的一次，而他傾聽，也離去。

The Hardest thing I’ve ever done
Is keep believing
That someone’s in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go
Through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say “no, promises.
Let’s keep it simple.”
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn
That nothing comes for free
The price I’ve paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I’ve wasted too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that’s what I’ll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them would comfort me tonight
I’m wide awake at 4am
Without a friend in sight
Hanging on a hope but I’m alright

I know I need to be in love
I know I’ve wasted too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that’s what I’ll find