One day, about 3 years ago, one of them told me he really wished to get married in the nearest future.  So, I thought this is it!  And I need to set aside some money for the wedding gift.  But before long, I learned they separated.  Suddenly, I felt that everything is deja vu all over again.  I have heard such a declaration, "I wish to get married soon", many times, and it seemed always followed by heartbroken ending.  Then he started get drunk often and looked depressed while telling the great pain he felt in heart. How bad fortune this guy had!  Was he cursed?  Why?  I couldn't help thinking and asking myself.

As a man and friend, I never asked why he would separate eventually though he wanted to get married so much.  There would not be right or wrong, I always thought.  And if I asked there would only be one-side of story and I could only get partial truth.  Neither would I want to question friend.  So, the best I could do was to join his company to drink, share the bill, and make sure he go home safe. 

It's something like enlightenment to me that day when "get-married-soon" was mentioned again.  Then I found that kind of declaration appeared to be a good tactic to get girls' attention.  No wonder I would have heard such a declaration from these 2 so many times.  

Usually, I heard some negative things of their girl friends.  Then after certain period of time, they would mention the desire of marriage in front of friends.  I used to think that they would like to settle down though there were some negative things about the girls.  The marriage was considered now, then the couples should have worked those out, at least, to certain extent.  However, more often than not, the relation ended within weeks after get-married-soon declaration.  It looks like the man wishes to get married so badly, but always ends up with separation.  This kind of things just keep happening to these 2 men.

What the hell were you guys doing?  "Keep declaring get-married-soon, but just keep changing girl friends without taking any action", asked I.  Then they would tell with tears in their eyes, "I really wanted to get married and we both even moved in together for quite some time, but ..... If...."  There were always buts, ifs!

Listened to the Podcast of "Cross-Cultural Seminar" by (大杉正明とスーザン岩本) Masaaki Ohsugi & Susan Iwamoto, "日本では最近婚活が盛んですが、アメリカではどうでしょう？", which was an episode talking about Japanese single man and woman seeking for his/her "marriage partner" (if I can say so).  Susan said Japanese is more direct saying that it's for the purpose of marriage (because the American are inclined to say dating), but Mr. Ohsugi told it's the "tatemae (建前)" in the society (of Japan). 

listen to this specific episode of Cross-Cultural Seminar  http://www.voicetrek.jp/podcast/seminar_203.mp3
tatemae (建前)日語，相當中文「檯面話」的意思。

Last year, I read a story by Ms. Wu which I cited below.  Then I found the title very likely described those 2 friends of mine the best, "打結婚名義找性伴".

Ms. Wu's story put marriage as an excuse, she used, "名義".  And Mr. Ohsugi said it's tatemae, "You need some kind of tatemae in the society.  You're not dating just for flirting or having an affair with someone.  You're dating this person because you want to get married!"

I have been thinking of marriage holy and meaningful.  However, just like so many other holy and meaningful virtues, which many people manipulated to get what they want or to justify / disguise their selfishness.  Such things do not just happen in the politics.

Is such tactic commonly acknowledged among men but unspoken, or only known to and employed by those who are savvy of interpersonal relationship and the reality of norms?  I am not as savvy as my friends, and did not have such an insight till lately. Well, it's about time to know!

打結婚名義找性伴

2010年 12月24日蘋果日報

阿辰38歲未婚，幾年來，女友一個接著一個換。他有不錯的收入，個性溫和，對剛交往的女人也很慷慨，想結婚的女人看他年紀不小了，這次談戀愛應該是要結婚了吧，都會對他付出真心。然而，他常在一段時間後，當機立斷的對身邊的女人說，我們個性不合，還是分手吧。然後，在極短的時間內另覓新歡。

朋友們笑他花心，打著結婚名義，其實只想找性伴侶。「我才不是你們說的那樣。我只是沒有遇到真命天女。我想要找到一個讓我能下定決心結婚的女人。之前我交的女朋友們，有的只能當女友，不能當老婆；有的只能當老婆，無法有戀愛感。」

不久前，他的身邊出現一位30歲左右的都會女子小倩。她是瑜伽老師，很愛登山，還會跳國標舞，常坐辦公桌的阿辰跟小倩交往後，生活變得很有趣，平日凸起的小腹也因時常運動變得平坦了。沒3個月，小倩搬到他的住處去，很賢慧的在家中做一桌菜招待朋友們。大家都認為，這次阿辰應該遇到真命天女了吧。

不久前朋友聚會，有人提到阿辰的女友：「這個女生又獨立，又穩重，又有才華，又賢慧，娶到這樣的老婆真有福氣。」阿辰低聲說：「我們分手了。」「啊？她不是又能當老婆，又能讓你有戀愛感嗎？」「她太完美，讓我有壓力。」阿辰說，「雖然她很照顧我，但我們終究還是不適合。」

有些男人就是容易冷感。在戀愛時都是熱的，但一考慮要走進婚姻，他就是冷得很快，站在婚姻的終點線前，每個女人想來都不可長久信賴。另一半一定比性伴侶給他壓力大，短期伴侶比長期伴侶輕鬆，永遠跨不進婚姻這條線。

吳淡如

http://tw.nextmedia.com/subapple/articleblog/art_id/33058840/IssueID/20101224

A famous fairy tale wedding in the real world, Prince married Princess but they did not live happily ever.  The lives of royal family serve something like soap opera to the people nowadays.  So it has more than  just wedding; it is alsofeatured with affairs, adultery, birth, faux pas, divorce, death...etc.

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台長： frank