2/2/08
Tegan lay in bed by Lawrence. She could smell clearly and freshly whatever came from him. Lawrence was not that kind of guy who would use cologne to attract women. The nice and soft smell came from the soap he used. Tegan was not sure whether it was the smell or Lawrence himself made her relaxed. It did not matter. She was happy. That was what counted.
It was a quiet afternoon. Sunday afternoons were supposed to be. The sunshine was good, beautiful, and tranquil. It was exactly what she had always wanted. From the heat on her back, she knew it was somewhere between two and three. Breeze came into Lawrence’s bedroom, floating around. She could also smell grass from his mow work yesterday. As much as she liked the smell of rain falling onto the ground, she enjoyed the smell came from his small backyard and from Lawrence’s body. She was happy; she thought so and smiled. Tegan was not sure whether it was the sunshine or Lawrence that made her fall in love with the world again.
She met him about the time when she gave up on her hope. At that point, she only had work in her life. She made her own life crazier and crazier by filling in more and more work, so she would feel no need to confront with loneliness. She was alone away from her family, and reached a certain level of solitude. It was always too noisy inside, while too quiet outside. Sometimes, it was noisy both inside and outside. It had become harder and harder for her to handle the noise from inside. The only outlet for the inside noise was tears out. Over time, tears even became rocks stuck inside, and the weight kept dragging her down to some road that she could not foresee.
In one semester, she was still taking endless good courses, and accidentally she bumped into his class. It was Lawrence’s fist year at Austin too. He just finished his Ph. D. two years before coming down here. Last year he was at South Carolina as a visiting scholar. Since there was no grade pressure, and Lawrence had been generous to her auditing, she got good impressions of him. His smiles were charming, though he looked a little nerdy--in a cute way. All the time she sat in his class, she knew she was attracted to him. She could have stopped attending his class, but on the contrary, she made an effort for his class. For her, it was a bonus to see him on a weekly base besides her own work. At that time, however, she did not know this could go somewhere outside the classroom.
Tegan stopped by Lawrence’s place after church in the morning. It was Martin Luther King’s Day tomorrow. They got one more day off. Though working in academia, they did not get many days off in fact, even on days they were off teaching work. Each of them dreamed of something related to their research once a while--their work came back in different forms, such as unknown monsters chasing after them, un-shapeable flood, or unclear and time-urgent exams. But now, right now, this moment, she was happy, no nightmare, no fear, but joy. He was the sound reason why she was happy.
She thought she would ask him out at the end of that semester. She tried not to break the surprise before the semester really ended. Such waiting satisfied her. She had kept asking the guys that she was into out, but she was turned down more than a few times. Being incredibly optimistic, she thought, “What could it hurt?” She would hate herself if she missed a good opportunity just because she did not try. Though the level of her disappointment had reached an unprecedented level, she still believed that, as long as she was alive, there was a chance that things would turn around for her--no matter how tiny bit the chance was.
She drew herself closer to him. Lawrence was still sleeping. The sunshine came in through the big glass windows and warmed the air and the sheet in bed. As she moved, he slightly opened his eyelids, smiled back at her, and took a deep breath. Tegan rubbed his chest and moved even closer to his face. Sunday afternoon. Who could imagine that, someday, actually and really, someday, she would be part of this scene. Yes, she was in love. She fell for him, knowing that this would go nowhere. Nevertheless, this moment, right now, was what she had. As solid as a fact, she would cherish this afternoon wholeheartedly forever. She would store the lovely memory for the rest of her life where she went.
Eventually, Tegan did ask Lawrence out on the last class day that semester. She swung by Lawrence’s office. She was taking her chance without knowing he would be there. On her way to his office, “Alright, I will knock his door if the door is closed, and if he did not answer, then that’s it. At least I have tried,” the voice inside her head was repeating over and over, like someone had recorded these words and played them again and again loud and clear in her head. The door was open. “Knock, knock.” They exchanged some greetings and she thought she should cut into the chest on the thing she wanted to get it out. “Uh, do you mind if I close the door for a few moments?” He had no problem, since it was just a few moments. “Well, just want to say thank you for letting me sit in the class. It has been helpful to my understanding about English.” “You are very welcome. It’s good to have you in the class.” The voice inside Tegan’s head screamed with a terribly high pitch, “Cut to the point! What the hell are you doing?!” “Alright, here I go. Uh, I know this might sound a little unprofessional, and you don’t have to say a word at all. Just hear me out.” She took a really deep breath. “I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it.” One more deep breath. “Is everything okay?” He softly asked. “Yeah, yeah, I am fine.” Another deep breath. He looked at her with curiosity, putting his head at a slightly thinking or wondering angle. “Could you not look at me while I say it?” Tegan was nervous, and the longer it took those words out of her, the more nervous she became, and of course, the air turned into a more awkward atmosphere. “Sure.” He turned his eyes unto his laptop. “Ok, here it goes.” After a short pause, she finally said, “I am just wondering that if you want to grab a bite or have a drink with me sometime…You don’t need to say anything right now, just think about it. I mean if you need some company and can’t find one, you know…” Another short pause. Being unable to think of anything else to say, she thought she should leave. “Okay, I think I am done here.” He was about to turn his face back to her. “No no, please don’t. I am just about to leave. Before that, please just stay where you are. You don’t need to say anything right now or move. Just give me a call, oh here is my numbers, yeah, I almost forgot this.” She thought that she should supplement a little bit about herself on her way out. She turned back again and met his eyes. Shocked and blushed, but she was encouraged by his smile, so she continued. “Just so you know that I am not a crazy person. I just think that … you are kinda cute, you know… And I would hate myself if I did not do this, though I might regret this later. But I would hate myself more if I did not try.” His charming smile soothed her nervousness. She smiled too. Thinking about not missing out anything she wanted to say, “Alright. I am through. I am getting out of here.” She pointed the door and moved toward it. He did not say a word or stopped her. “You have a great summer. Bye.” It took shorter than she expected.
It did not matter how Tegan and Lawrence ended up here. She was happy. That was what counted. She breathed him in and rested her arm on his chest. She whispered at his ears, “I love you.” She knew she might regret later, but she would hate herself if she did not say it out. Lawrence put his right arm unto her waist. She knew he heard it. She smiled, he smiled too. She inlayed her head at the angle between his shoulder and neck. She was happy. That was what counted.
There was one more question she did not ask, “Can we stay like this forever?” But it was okay. She did not really care. Now, at this moment, she was happy. That was what counted.
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