Right after I returned from my Taiwan trip, I went to southern California for vacation – I was enjoying my free time. So when the Power magazine called me from Taiwan and pushed for progress on my new article, I was feeling guilty. I then started pondering on words but could not finalize it with an ending that I felt good enough.
Until last weekend, I went to a musical production called “Sutra of Profound Parenthood”. I have always loved musical programs, from instrument, concerto, to vocal, but only limited to western programs. But last Sat I was so deeply moved by the performance that was given by a group of non-professional actors/actresses. The music was simply beautiful with lyrics that was like awaken thunder to my ears and heart. After I got home, I finished the article in no time.
I have never considered “writing” as a possible career, but was feeling overwhelmed when I got all the media attention and praises recently. The interviews and radio programs were just so exciting and new for me. But still, I didn’t think I want to write to make a living; that’s simply too tacky for me. However, another surprise came yesterday; I got an unexpected letter from 商周 inquiring about my writing plan and the possibility of their publishing my book. A book? That has never came to my mind before. Of course, as a literature lover and self-claimed intellectual, it will mean a great deal to leave words to this world – a mark of my existence.
But that self-satisfaction and arrogance disappeared after I finished the book “跨過厚厚的大紅門. ” I felt so ashamed for being such a selfish and heartless person, and how can I call myself an “intellectual”? I have no dream, no passion, and I have never done anything any good for anyone. The arrogant me look at this world in disgust, and using nonsense excuse to hide myself in my own ivory tower, to differentiate myself from the rest of the world. If I would to trade places with the author, could I have the same passion for my people and country? And for the man, the love, of my life? I have always been a coward in relationship; always turn and walk away from love. When have I ever truly loved anyone with my heart open?
I am so sick of myself…! So where and how do I start for my book?
~~Fiddler 01/21/2003
文章定位：
