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162愛的鼓勵 0訂閱站台

It was Dec 16 when I first met him, I never knew that we would be linked, I had never thought that he would be so important, essential to me. I didn’t even really want to talk much with him. He was just one of the clients and Chileans as well. But then I let him into my life, or I should say I should have never sent him that first test message so things would not be the same I guess. He’ll continue his perfect great life and I will continue to be a cynic and mike ironic comments about the country, the people and even the smell of it.
But it was weird… I was depressed, extremely depressed, up to a point that I would skydive without a parachute. But he listened to every single little bits of my stories, my deplorable history that I despised myself. I looked down on myself. What am I? One dirty, sordid, hopeless girl who was waiting for her death, I never knew how much I worth, what I deserve. Around me was only duties and responsibilities. I never admitted that I am beautiful. I am smart, I have talent in many things, I only knew that I am filthy but it was him who made me to revaluate myself, make me accept and admit the fact that I am something. I thought about and itz true, therez many evidences. I learned, at least I admitted it though I still make excuses to evade sometimes. And with him, I am not depressed anymore, I am sweet, happy and contented. I no longer make those stupid, foolish cynical remarks about everything.
It was him who noticed that I am being anorexic, losing weight and committing chronic suicide.
I was very anxious on Wednesday. It was his birthday, it was the first time in my life really buying something I chose for one that I care and luv and respect. I dun like waiting and I waited 100 times more than it should be for that little moment to be with her. I saw her there and she gave me that big warm hug. Then they had classes and I needed to wait again, waiting racked my brain but it was her I was waiting for, there was no bitterness, I was impatient but very sweet at the same time.
She finally got there but wait a minute. What is that girl doing behind her? I thought I could sit alone, talk to her alone, tell her how much I luv her, how much I want her but I swallowed all the ideas back cos there was someone else. I knew dat gal likes her and I felt uncomfortable becos she looked at me all the time and I could tell that deep inside those eyes were judgments and evaluation all over. Why should I be judged by a wrg person?
The next day, he told me that the gal was there to make sure he gets wut he deserved. FUNNY! Or maybe I still dun understand this grown up world? I deserve more than that, he doesn’t deserve that or she deserves that but at the same time she doesn’t know wut she should have. Honestly, I dun know wut I derserve but I am satisfied with what I have now. I am happie with her! Datz all!
If I am the angel, yes… I am a broken legged one. I can never be healed. She thought that she healed me but then on my other leg, there is a long chain of marbles tied, I can never go far… I am the angel who is not sure what she had done to suffer all these punishment.
I wanted to be kidnapped and yes I would stay naked, she would wake me up by making luv to me, she would let me rest in her arms and afterward we will sit on the same armchair and I will lie on his chest and listen to the delicate heartbeat of his and the sea breeze. I will set my eyes on the endless, cloudless point of the sky. Gulls crow and sing and we would be the only world. At least u will be my only world.
Yes I am torturing myself… I am killing myself slowly and I will make everyone think that itz natural if/when I really died. I am going to leave after this year. I will be somewhere far away from her. i will leave and start my other life again… but it hurts too when I realize that therez time-limit … I dun wanna leave but yes I know I have to. You are not mine, never will be and never can be……
I am sorry I cant hold my heart. I dun know how… if I could, I world squeeze it hard, hard enough to make it stop. Am I making u suffer too… yea… I will have to walk away from u… I dun want to.