3-12/13-09
Yesterday was a good day. “Good” in the sense that Takiyah got some work done. Wednesday always appeared to be weird to her. “Weird” in the sense that it was in the middle of a week. Right in the middle.
Mondays were usually chaotic; people tried to catch up with work loading and packed up the wandering heart. Tuesdays were normal; people got back to the “normal” pace of life. Wednesdays? Sensing a lack of excitement, people got tired on Wednesday. Thursdays were exciting, for the weekend was just one-day away, and the week had passed one half. Rest seemed to be just at the corner. A sense of hope floated in the air. Fridays were joyous; a week finally was ready to pass. Greetings to the weekend were everywhere; people planned on Friday night’s parties. There was nothing wrong being in the middle. It was just that, her Wednesday this week was weird.
"I don’t think we need to worry about that assumption. The test on residuals confirmed our confidence in the proportionality assumption, which was a sign that the iid assumption sustained in our model.”
"I don’t know where this paper will go, since we only have a bill, while we don’t have time for another bill at this point.”
"We can argue that this is the first piece focusing on the Senate. In the conclusion part, we can call for more research effort in this area though.”
"So I’ll take the possession of the paper and work on the reframing, while you’ll work on the footnote and appendix. Also, run the model splitting two groups. How does that sound?”
"That sounds great.”
The meeting went well. Takiyah thought she would have time and energy to work on these notes by the time she went to bed. Sensing the need of a switch of focus; she went on typing the answer key for the class she was TAing for. It took more time than she expected. “It was good.” She believed in “The best way to learn is to teach.” So she taught in a weekly one-hour section to ten graduate students. The instructor left hand-written answer key to her, and two days after the midterm, he was gone for spring break. In typing the answer key, she had to be cautious not to confuse the students, but to help them understand what was missing in their understanding. Once she posted the key, she sensed the sourness of her shoulders. She was more than ready to attend the small group tonight. So she shoot Sean a line saying sorry about the changed plan, and then left the computer alone.
This morning, she took a shower. When she turned off the faucet, she heard the radio was playing Brooke Fraser's Shadow Feet. One of Takiyah's newly favorite songs. In growing up, she was always eager to please her parents and teachers and sister. Only after finishing college, she came to realize that the only life she was leading was hers. As a result, she was the only who was responsible for this life. Studying abroad granted her great freedom from people who were hard to please. She thought she got rid of her own shadow. As Philip Roth put it, “Freedom is very dangerous. And nothing is on your own terms for long.” She enjoyed the freedom, and in the meantime, she paid the price, the price for the path chosen by her, her own hands. “You can't outrun your shadow.” A line she heard from one of her favorite TV show, Grey's Anatomy. “Freedom is hallucination,” thought Takiyah.
The sky was cloudy. Plants needed water. It was spring. A gloomy day. That was the definition of the day for her. “Takiyah” meant “pious, righteous”. That was what her dad told her. He passed away while she was away. She collapsed when she heard the news. Her mom moved to live with her two-year older sister. She went home for the funeral, and rushed back to school in ten days. Her sisters resented her. Tension was drawn between the sisters. She indulged herself in busy work. She pretended the shadow wasn't there. She put her head, literally, in the sand.
Stop running. Head on.“ She was watching Grey's. Upon the moment she heard the line, she just lost herself. She missed her sister. They used to talked a lot. When her sister had a boyfriend who were currently Takiyah's brother in law, Takiyah was jealous of him. When Takiyah missed her sister's engagement, wedding, and delivering the baby, Takiyah was mad at her sister. Takiyah stopped dumping her psychological trash. “Stop whinning. Fix the problem,” she told herself, “if there was a problem, don't be sorry, fix it.” She missed her sister.
According to the weather report, the rain could go on a few more days. Takiyah ate out most of the times these days, including breakfast. She was eating a good fortune that she in fact could not afford. It was a hole. There was a black hole eating her from inside. “Quit running. Head on.” Philip Roth would say, “there is no escape, that all your attempts to escape will only lead you back to where you began.”
When Takiyah got home, she made a cup of hot tea, chomomile. She picked up the phone, and dialed. Now she was waiting, waiting for an answer.
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