5/27/08
All of sudden, many things occurred. As big as my fist, my heart cannot find words to describe all that is inside. Tears and laughter, anxiety and joy, unease and peace, all boiled down to God’s mercy.
Due to my second aunt’s death, I changed my summer plan and booked tickets to visit my family. (Surprisingly and thanks to God, the agent helped me find tickets with good price.) Life is short. Life is vulnerable. Life is too precious to trash away. This is the fact that I keep in mind. I want to see my families when I can. Hugs them and tell them, “I love you” when I can.
Maybe it was because spring semester ended, my advisor finally spared some time read my prospectus and asked me to schedule my defense. I was nervous, “am I really ready?” “Can I answer committee members’ questions?” “Oh, God, Am I really ready?” Like all other exams I took before, I never knew whether I was truly ready. God wanted me to try. After my friends and I prayed, we knew this was God’s answer. In fact, I was looking forward to defending my prospectus in June. In this way, I would have some time off. Instead, suddenly, I could get out of this in May!!! God had reasons. I believe. I am slow in many aspects--emotional reaction is one of them. Most of my friends are out of town. Not many people around to celebrate this moment. The next day of my defense, I was swamped in packing and moving and unpacking. A little bit restless, my heart said. But these are all for good. Deep down in my heart, I prayed, “Lord, don’t let me just praise you in good times, but also restore my spirit in bad times.” The joy of passing the prospectus defense was compromised by the labor of moving, but my heart is still full of gratitude. Songs are not enough to say thank you to God.
I believe, whatever happened happens for good. There is no guarantee that things will always turn out the way we want them to be. There are battles you have to fight to beat the odds. That is scary, challenging, and exciting. At those crossroads, pray hard, and listen to your heart carefully. The inner voice, maybe weak and/or shaky, is always honest and truthful. After one sleepless night, I decided to take the chance given to me.
It took me a month to clear my mind. P and I went out a few times. Things went well, but something bothered me. P looked nothing like guys I was attracted to before. Oddly, there was something about him caught my attention. Something was overlooked. I prayed God would take him out of my mind if he was not the person for me. If he was, both of us really needed to be encouraged to step forward closer to each other. Yes, whenever and to whomever you expose yourself, there is a chance that you may get hurt. In the meantime, however, you may explore something extraordinary. If you want to win, then you have to bet. After about one month, I finally figured out the answer. “Yes, I do!” I do have feelings for P. “What if he is seeing someone already?” I hesitated. If nothing else, it is always pleasing to let someone know that you have feelings for him. “I want to grab my chance,” said my heart firmly.
Without God’s mercy and blessings, I will not stand at this point at this time and meet people around me. The adventure of life is just like the voyage in One Piece, one of my favorite animation series. When you are tired, take a break, and then carry on the journey. You will see the sunshine, the blue sky, white romantic clouds, colorful flowers, and rainbow that make this trip wonderful. I wish I will never forget these beautiful things as well as the wind, the waves, the rain, and maybe the storms and the thunders that spice this cruise up.
To those who hesitate to take your chance. There can be wounds. There can be trophies as well. Your call. If you don’t see one, create one. At lease, you can say, “I have tried!” Be grateful for your opportunities, and never take them for granted. At last, be humble. It is God’s mercy that fulfills your dreams. So, be grateful and be humble.
May the peace and grace from God to you at every moment of your life.
-T
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