2/29/08
I wonder my depression comes from the desire of escaping from the reality. I know myself too well to answer any question. It is just like I am aware that a crush will be over as time passes from the very beginning. Yet, it does not make the heart beat lighter. “There were neither good nor bad…there was just facts. It was life.” Maugham put these words into the main character in Of Human Bondage, Philip’s mind.
Terry gave Lawrence her numbers while she told him that she could not come to his class any more that semester. Her inexperienced tone and gesture made her regret a lot afterwards. “I realize that this is your first year at Austin. So, I’ll just give you my numbers, though I am not a Texan, just been here for a few years. If you need help,” intending to hide her awkwardness and shyness, she further stressed, “IF, I mean if you need help, give me a call.” Inside her mind, what she really wanted to say was, “this is my numbers; maybe we could go out sometime.” Being afraid of rejection, she put her in an indifferent position which guaranteed ninety nine percent probability that Lawrence would never call.
“What is the point?” she thought and sighed. All she wanted was to make sure that she had tried out every opportunity she had. Even before she gave him the numbers, she knew the conversation would go nowhere. She just could not afford further plausible regret if she did not do this. She could not predict life. No, she could not. She did not know how to cope with the loneliness in her life.
“This is futile.” After a few glasses of wine, she told herself. “It was all over then...” At least, it was a release to her. Perhaps, subconsciously, she wanted to end this crush; it was meaningless anyway. “Every crush was meaningless. Who could tell the meaning of life, huh?” She turned to her sleepy pal, Cooper. Cooper’s big and energetic eyes were worriless. She knew that the God that she believed in would never forsake her. But she did not know his plan for her.
In a conversation she had with a Christian friend, her friend asked Terry, “Do you want to have your own family in the future?” Deep in her heart, there was a voice answered “Yes.” On the contrary, she said, “I don’t really know.” That was true at some level though. She did not know what she could or should expect in the future. She had no vision. Life, to her, was a series of work and facts. Emotions and passion only took a part, but do not represent the whole. After a few pauses, she continued, “I only know that I don’t want to have a lonely life.” No, she believed in marriage no more.
Human passion was too strong to resist, even when an affair was involved with a married party and a single one. She had been proactively seeking and reaching out, but found no one. These efforts resulted in her disappointment. She wanted to give up the hope that someday maybe she would fall in love with someone. Being human, she spontaneously could not let that tiny little bit hope slip. “When there was no hope, it was the end of a life,” though Terry. She took another sip of wine. She was afraid that someday she might fall for a married man.
In listening to Brooke Fraser’s Distant Sun, her tears dropped. “No fire where I lit my spark, I am not afraid of the dark…still so young to travel so far, Old enough to know who you are, Wise enough to carry the scars, Without any blame, There’s no one to blame. It’s easy to forget what you learned, Waiting for the thrill to return, Feeling your desire burn, You’re drawn to the flame…I don’t pretend to know what you want, But I offer love.” She wanted a good cry, even though knowing that a cry was merely in vain. She could not recall since when life had become so unbearably miserable and painful and lonely.
At the end of the night, Terry fell asleep by Cooper’s side, whose eyes never close and always smiling. She did not know that all this would never really over. No. Never. She did not know that she would wake up the next day at seven something with her swollen eyes. No, she could not predict the future. That was the reason why she hoped: as long as she was alive, there was a chance, no matter how insanely small it was, there was a chance that she could be happy in the future. There was no guarantee, but at least she could keep trying. Just like the Greek character who pushed the rolling down rock uphill every day, and all his effort fell in vain as soon as he took a rest. Yes, life was restless to her.
Shush, she was dreaming. At least she could dream that all this was over. Let her rest. May peace be with her in the days of her life.
Note: the image is available at
http://photo.pchome.com.tw/suandru/114674671545/.
