Don't feel sad or hurt, and don't think too much about me calling people
darling. I call many friends dear or darling or sweetie. It is only a term of
endearment.
I am back on 11th Feb. It will be too cold for me so maybe earlier. You never
know.
Maybe we have a proper friendship and start on the right foot. It is mainly my
fault as my mind is everywhere and I want something I cannot have. Please
forgive me if I make you sad or confused, but I think I am also confused and
not sure what to do.
R,
I do feel really sad and a bit hurt right now.I think we could be the best
friend but we just never have chance.I don't know when did Hock came to
taiwan and when did u think u saw me.maybe there's one or two times I pass
by ur place and trying to show my friend or family that u live there.I
don't really remember now,but just felt a bit hurt that u actully never
trust me and suspect me for a long time.
there's so many times when I found something interesting or when I feeling
happy or sad and want to talk to someone,u always the first one in my
mind,but sometimes u so busy,or I found u didn't really keen to talk.I just
feel rejection from u so many times,maybe u are not intentionally push me
away.but the more I try the more I giving up.
also I think we could never be true friends to talk to as we remain the
relationship as "couple".
since I met you,you make me feel that u kind of chasing me and then we
getting closer,and u siad u are my boyfriend sort of thing.
but except we remain as a couple,there's nothing we act or feel like
together.
I've been relationship before,and I knew whatz feel like when two people
attrate to each other and wants to be together.I just don't know whatz
wrong between us,you said u are my boyfriend but besides that I couldn't
feel anything like boyfriend.so I would comlain u all the time and u feel
stressful from me as well.
I just so envy James and Jill,if we never consider to be couple,we can be
really good friends now and we won't never fight to each other and make
each other so suffer or sad.
and during this trip in sri lanka,I really enjoy the time with Russel and
Valerie,I just found them the best parents and couple I've never met.and
just saw the relationship u have with them,remind me that I used to treat
my parents like that when I in s.f.,but I just forget to spend more time
with them after I back and busy on my work.
but at the other hands,u would feel so much stress from me during the
trip,that because at that time,I strongly feel there's someone else u are
with,after the 8 miss called and the message keep coming then u made the
phone call in Tangle.and I heard u call someone darling.
so I was so depress and thought u just need me to be ur girlfriend in front
of ur parents and when we in the room alone,u just don't even try to talk
to me and rather read books.
I just want to said,all the things comes with reason,like what u said
before,two ways around.if we didn't hide so many feeling in mind,we could
avoid so many fights already.what a shame that u just realize that I have a
good heart.but at least we know each other better then ever.
so, have a safe trip,I hope we can find this relationship rewarding in the
futher when we meet the new one.so take care,and we meet when u back?
>
>Actually, I thought that if I go to Shanghai we can try to be together.
>During our holiday I thought it would be fine, whether I decide to go or
not.
>I am not actually with someone else, but I do find that Jam & Jil (and
sometimes Hors, although she is more quiet) really understand me and I
like to be with them. They always take an interest in me and I do in them.
It is not about you and them though. This is just about where I turn to
when I need to talk to someone, and I found that even after Sri Lanka, I
did not turn to you but to them. This also made me feel bad about not
turning to you.
>
>The thing is that they don't need me to make them feel secure or
protected. They don't need me to entertain them. This is one thing that you
know I find a problem between us two. I am looking for a companion and not
a girl I have to protect and make feel secure. I just can't do this. I
realised that after we came back after such a long trip together in Sri
Lanka. I am just not the one for you and you had to realise that yourself.
I cannot be the one, however much I tried it did not feel like I was being
myself.
>
>I like you so much and now realise you have a very good heart, but we have
to face the reality. If I went to Shanghai maybe it would be a good break
to clear my mind and let me think another way, but that is not happening
now. I would never use you because I don't want to and I don't need to. I
have spent so much time alone with my parents after my brother died. I
can't explain, but we are happy together and enjoy talking to each other
all the time. I guess something drew us together and has made us more
dependent on each other even now. They have seen alot of people come and go
in my life, like Lina, Pik Wah, Joan, etc, but I have never been truly
happy with any of them except Pik Wah. I should have married her and made
that choice at that time. I did not do that and I will continue I guess the
way I am unless I find that magic again.
>
>There are so many things we should have said to each other, but did not. I
hope you are not hurt, but that you have learned something, as I have, from
knowing each other.
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