[1998,cold spring] 鄰居
我從沙發裡坐起，看看時鐘，快要十二點了，你大概不會打電話來了，整個晚上我無意識的按著遙控器，等著身旁的電話響起，卻只聽見指針走動的韻律，滴，答，滴，答。
睜開雙眼時窗外的陽光正理直氣壯的燦爛著，好長的一段時間住在地下室，早就想不起陽光的溫度，而今陽光照遍全身，有種被窺視的不安，幾個月以前，我還忙著找房子時，你說正好有朋友要移民，房子會空著，而且又剛好在學校附近，環境不錯，比濕答答的地下室好。
那就這樣決定了。電話那頭的你以溫柔而且帶著命令的口吻說著，我想像著你的表情和動作，穿著深咖啡色的及膝外套，接起桌前的電話，再略略提提眼鏡，透過鏡片看著話筒說話，等我回答。「怎麼不說話了？」你問我。
「我在想像你的表情啊！」話筒裡傳出一陣笑的氣息。彷彿還感覺的到。
收拾好之後我準備出門，還不太習慣要下樓梯的感覺，門在我伸手之前自
動開啟了，「對不起！妳還好吧！」開啟的鐵門迎面撞上額頭，來不及閃躲。
「嗯！沒事。」由於心不在焉的緣故，我幾乎感覺不出疼。看見熟悉的咖啡色才醒覺過來，以為是你。一模一樣的及膝深咖啡色外套，米白色襯衫。
「真是抱歉。我太不小心了。」他不疾不徐的說著，我還穩穩的躺在疼痛裡，來不及顧慮他的歉意。我慢慢的跟他解釋真的不要緊，因為對我心懷歉疚，他不會發現我的心不在焉，真的沒關係，我一再重覆，而且我已經耽擱了不少時間，所以必須離去了。他才漸漸收回歉意改用禮貌道別。
昨晚你真的沒打電話來嗎？我正在努力適應城市的空氣，試圖讓自己更清醒，開學的校園顯得熱鬧許多，整個像活起來似的，可惜早就不是新鮮人了，這種感覺只能感覺，卻無法體會。當新鮮人那年你悄悄走進生命中與我的生活產生關聯，我老是滔滔不絕的說著我的生活與記憶，你在一旁以眼神示意，並不發言，也沒有要我停止的意思，我於是繼續說著。
時間依照它本有的軌道行走著，說著聽著，變成習慣。
那晚我遵循著習慣說話給你聽，你的眼神卻閃爍著一道異於平常的光芒，這樣的形容很準確，我真的看見一道光，從我習慣的你的眼神裡竄出來，我好不習慣。所以沒法依照習慣繼續說話，你厭倦這種習慣了嗎？我突然說不出話來了，看見那道光漸漸擴大延伸展開，淹滿視線，感到一陣刺亮，忍不住閉上雙眼，嘴唇接收到一股溫熱的震顫，不曾體驗過的。
從那時起，我們之間有了新的習慣，加在舊習慣之上的，習慣。
簡單處理完選課的事就準備離開學校，離開前遇到助教，他關心的詢問著我的近況，問我畢業後打算做什麼？可能出國讀書，或留在國內考研究所。很喜歡這種親切的問候，淡淡的，卻很踏實。
轉彎走進巷子裡，拿出你交給我的鑰匙開門，天色還不算晚，我打算回家洗衣服。有人拍了拍我的肩膀，會是你嗎？我回頭時這麼想。「真的是妳。好巧。」原來是他。「妳也住這嗎？」他伸出手把門推開。
「嗯！」我點點頭。我們在爬樓梯時禮貌式的寒喧著，發現他住在我的正對面，原來是鄰居。
進門以後，匆忙的按下答錄機的play鍵，
「............」
「............」
「............」
感覺起來像e-mail裡面的垃圾信。你還是沒打電話來。
我走進浴室把累積了好多天的衣服拿出來洗，午後的陽光依舊理直氣壯的燦爛著，感覺被窺探，被透視，沒有安全感。當我們之間產生了新的習慣，我的安全感便日漸痿縮，你說那是我太依賴自己的緣故。你可以依靠我，你這麼告訴我。我信任你，卻對自己沒有把握，你說你不明白，其實我也不懂。
新習慣的結論是，你開始說話給我聽。
「鈴......」我正晾起脫好水的衣服，沒法接電話。
「你好，我現在不在家有事請留言，謝謝。」答錄機盡職的轉動著。
「............嘟」當我衝到電話邊接起話筒時剛好切斷。
可惡。會是你嗎？當我晾好所有衣服時，夜早就以它自己的方式濃稠的覆蓋起整個天空，墨色不均勻的披掛著，營造起哭泣的氛圍。
我老是無法專心聽你說話，也許是對新習慣的不適應吧。我常常很用力的
看著你的眼神但不知道為什麼，你的聲音總是聽不真切，像懸浮在空氣中的微小粒子，看見又看不見。
晾好衣服後我關上廚房的門，感覺有些餓了，冰箱的冷藏室裡只剩下幾顆蛋，一堆調理包，麵條，青菜。我把鍋子洗乾淨，放些油，鍋面上劈劈啪啪的吵雜起來，煎了一顆荷包蛋，再把下好的麵條和熱水倒進去，變成一道清淡的熱鬧，以前跟薇薇住在地下室時發明的，搬家以後這還是第一次吃，喚起了一些關於記憶的模糊線條，卻連輪廓都拼湊不起來，清楚的只有眼前冒著煙的荷包蛋湯麵，「有那麼好吃嗎？」我因為你眼中好誠懇的問號忍不住笑起來，那是你第一次看見有人這樣吃東西，也是我第一次在你眼中看見誠懇，一種對事物的渴望和期待，不知道為什麼，我竟有些小小的滿足。
雨在窗外滴滴答答的呢喃起來，用城市獨有的語彙拼湊情節。捻亮客廳的燈，雨聲顯得突兀了，看見垃圾筒才發現垃圾已經滿到地板，不得不出去倒垃圾，雖然很怕錯過你的電話。找不到傘只好硬著頭皮抱著垃圾出去，當我正準備伸手開門時，它依然自動開啟了，不過這次沒撞到頭，「倒垃圾嗎？」門外的他依舊身著及膝深咖啡色外套，手裡拿了一把大傘。
「嗯！」我點點頭。
「妳沒帶傘！？」不知這是肯定句還是疑問句。他身上漫佈的雨水告訴我雨勢要比想像中的大，他似乎也察覺到了，希望能讓他送我過去，他很禮貌的要求我。
「好吧！」我說。
「妳住在這裡多久了？怎麼好像沒見過。」他用左手撐傘，讓出很大的空隙給我。
「的確沒多久，我開學才搬進來的。」我把漫流著雨水的塑膠袋放到垃圾堆裡。
「今天早上真是抱歉。妳應該沒事吧！」他當然不會知道我是因為處在等不到你電話的恍惚裡所以才顯得遲緩。
「有事我還能站在這邊嗎？」我半開玩笑的說著。他會意的笑了，眼中飄過一抹清楚的了然。我突然想起可能錯過你的電話了，於是匆匆道了再見，奔進客廳按答錄機的play鍵，卻沒有任何留言。
客廳裡安靜的連呼吸的次數都數的出來，我反而有些不習慣，以前在地下室隔著毫無隔音效果的木板，前面傳來的是小孩的哭聲，左邊則是整夜的重金屬搖滾樂，上面常有奇怪的聲響和震動，我常自睡夢中驚醒，隨身攜帶黑眼圈，你問我是否常失眠，我只好無奈的告訴你實情。你皺皺眉說那裡不適合居住，嚴肅的口吻聽起來像父親，我忍不住笑了起來，「笑什麼？」你不解的問我。我沉默的微笑著。用遙控器打開電視，我需要一些聲音的陪伴，來排遣安靜。
醒過來時電視仍譏譏喳喳的說個不停，我在沙發上睡著了，已經錯過了上課時間，便懶得去學校了，想要買點什麼來吃，「要去上課啊？」一打開門就看見他。「睡過頭，懶得去了。」我懶洋洋的說著。
「唉！當學生真好。」他看看我。彷彿若有所失的說著。
「喔，也許吧！」我有點心虛的回應著，雖然並不贊同。
我買了玉米口味的蛋餅和熱奶茶，一份報紙，外面出了大太陽。我打開電腦敲打鍵盤開始進行一直還沒開始的報告，熱奶茶站在桌上乖乖的冒著煙，你不喜歡太燙的飲料，也不習慣在紅茶或咖啡裡加奶精，可我老是手忙腳亂的倒糖攪奶精，你總是盯著我看，「看什麼？」我睜大眼睛問你。
「你不覺得這樣很累嗎？」你咬了一口燻圭魚堡以後說。
我搖搖頭。我們繼續喝著各自的飲料，加奶精與不加奶精的。
喝完熱奶茶時，報告的眉目已漸有起色，我自電腦前站起伸了伸懶腰，螢幕上藍色格子爬滿工具列下方的長方形區塊，顯示儲存訊息。天色突然起了變化，提醒我必須去收衣服。趁著下雨之前，我奮力的把晾乾的衣服一件件拿下來，「鈴....鈴....」我衝到電話旁才發現是門鈴在響。
「請問找誰？」門在匆忙之際被開啟，我猜自己看起來很狼狽。她臉上寫
著疑惑，疑惑的眼神掃遍全身，彷彿我不該出現似的。
「小姐，請問妳找誰？」我只好再問一次。
「請問......請問周允傑在嗎？」由於尚未從鍵盤的世界醒過來，我用注音符號翻譯她的話，ㄓㄡㄩㄣㄐㄧㄝ，卻沒有出現完整的字彙。
「對不起，這裡沒有這個人。」她眼神中的疑惑越來越濃，直直逼向我。
她不解的搖搖頭，拿出淺藍色背包裡的記事本喃喃自語著，「應該沒錯才對啊！」
「可以讓我看看嗎？」她把記事本湊近我。還是處在鍵盤的世界裡，ㄓㄥㄨㄌㄨㄡㄐㄧㄋㄅㄕㄙㄦ，排列組合後，我發現眼前的門牌號碼正是她要找的。
「小姐，妳要找的人住在那裡，妳看錯了。」我指著對面的門牌給她看。
「喔！真的嗎？真是不好意思。」她尷尬的笑著。
「沒關係，反正找到就好了。」她會意的笑了笑。
關上門後我繼續未完成的報告。窗外又開始滴滴答答，像一種陌生的語言，敲打中的鍵盤也進行另一套語言系統，與窗外的雨聲交錯，並不是和諧的旋律，也沒有確定的形容詞可以裝飾，這樣參差的節拍也能夠並存？心底不禁升起一絲絲訝異，但，也不過是巧合罷了。天空剛巧在鍵盤被敲打之際下起雨來，造就一段不協調的相遇，雨停了或電腦關了，就只能獨奏或純粹的安靜了。
你也聽著這場雨嗎？與你居住在同一座城市，呼吸著同樣污濁的空氣，行走在類似的街道巷弄之間，偶爾在談話間發現我們在同一時間出現在城市的同一個角落，卻未能相遇。「昨天不在家嗎？」雨季來臨前的一個周末，你剛結束手邊一份重量級的工作，電話線那頭的你聽起來很輕鬆，而我卻正在為即將來臨的期末考焦頭爛額。
「我跟同學在麥當勞讀書。」我撐著欲閉的雙眼裹在棉被裡說，不小心打了一個呵欠。
「天母那家嗎？」你好像沒聽見我的呵欠。
「是啊！」我忍住呼之欲出的睡意。你在電話那頭說那時你正在Friday’s裡開會，是工作的最後階段，也是最重要的部分，我忍住一個接著一個的呵欠，無論如何說不出我明天要考試的話，你的聲音逐漸模糊成雜訊，無論我怎麼努力聽都聽不清楚。
「嘟......。」被我握暖的話筒傳來一聲冰冷的巨響，我竟然睡著了。我還以為是鬧鐘響了，整個人坐直。
「妳怎麼了？」一旁的薇薇正在熬夜趕報告，不解的看著我，耳邊喧囂著敲打鍵盤的頻率。
「沒事，沒事。」我說。
不知道自己是怎麼睡著，又怎麼會睡著的。想起你好像說工作結束後開車經過天母圓環，差一點點就可以相遇。但我竟然睡著了，真是諷刺，我們在同一時間出沒在城市的某個區塊，雖然沒有相約也用不著相遇，但總覺這意味著另種形式的緣慳。
想著聽著，雨聲漸弱，敲打中的鍵盤也因著報告的進展而須暫歇止，我開
了窗戶看見被雨洗過的天空透露著桃紅與橙紫交雜的顏色，絢爛異常。
我開了門準備出去覓食，「妳沒找到人嗎？」我很驚訝的發現那位找錯門
的女子竟然還在，潛意識都準備好要刪除關於她的記憶了，而她竟然還活生生的穿著深棗紅襯衫，黑色一片裙和咖啡色的厚絲襪坐在樓梯間，所以我忍不住開口問她，雖然我們不算認識。
「嗯！」她搖搖頭說，表情顯得相當無奈。
「能不能請妳幫個忙？」她懇求我。
「什麼忙？妳確定我幫的上嗎？」我稍微走近她一些。
「幫我把這個交給他，因為我現在必須離開了。」她遞給我一個牛皮紙袋，頗重，上面寫著To Jeffrey. From Catherine.
「麻煩妳了。」她從樓梯間站起來。
「不會。」我說。
電視頻道被遙控器轉動著，螢幕跳過一個接著一個的畫面，都不停留超過五秒鐘。畫面跳接之際突然閃過一個似曾相識的面孔，這張面孔今天傍晚差點被我的潛意識驅逐出境，原來她是某電視台的新聞主播，正滔滔不決的敘述著重要的新聞內容，而她託付給我的任務也尚未達成，「謝謝您收看今天的新聞。」等她說完最後一個字我決定去完成她的託付。
「鈴...鈴....鈴」按了好多聲電鈴都沒有回應，鈴聲在陰暗的樓梯間裡來回繞行。
已經很晚了，但這牛皮紙袋中的東西好像很重要，於是我寫了一張紙條夾在門縫，署名對面的鄰居，只能這樣了吧，我想。
窗戶上的玻璃被雨水霧濕成模糊，彷彿摘下眼鏡後的世界，逸散的焦點呈樹枝狀蔓延擴張，卻什麼也看不真切，像半醒半睡的夢境，從來就不知道到底是真是假。
早起趕著上第一堂課，清晨的空氣裡瀰漫著雨的味道，氣象報告說雨季還會持續半個月，春寒凜冽，喉嚨一陣刺癢，大概患了輕微的感冒。我用圍巾裹了裹頸子，奢求一點溫暖的依靠。風卻從身後襲來撩起肩上的髮，像是不經意的擁抱，沒得選擇，我只能逕自走在風裡，像等你的電話，你從來不讓我打電話找你，你希望我維持學生該有的單純，走路的姿勢，思考的姿勢，坐公車的姿勢，吃飯的姿勢，睡覺的姿勢，都遵循單純。我不禁質疑起這兩個字的定義，你喜歡我活在你的單純裡，那我在哪裡？
「怎麼那麼多天沒來上課？」助教在紅磚道的另一頭喚住我。
「在家趕報告。」我清了清刺癢的喉嚨說。
她還是一樣親切的問候與探詢，交談之間，踏實的喜悅與關懷，平穩互動著，每每處在這種境界，我感到自己好真實的存在。
為報告下了最後一個註角後，將滑鼠移至右上方打叉的部位，輕輕點了兩下關閉起檔案，順便活動活動僵直的身軀。
「鈴...鈴...」我打開門。
「妳好。」站在門外的他微笑著說。進門前還特別瞄了瞄他的門縫，發現我寫的紙條還夾在裡面。
「原來是你啊！」他手裡握著我寫的紙條，彷彿很疲倦。
「我等你好久了。你等一下。」我拿出那包牛皮紙袋。我雙手遞上牛皮紙袋，完成美麗主播託付的任務。
「真的很謝謝妳。」他接過紙袋以後說。
「不客氣。」
等待列印中的報告，我泡了一杯不加糖的立頓紅茶，杯緣湊近嘴唇時，感覺一股熱氣升騰，霧白了鏡片。室內充斥列印的節奏與韻律，茶的澀味緩緩流過喉嚨，仍是一陣刺癢，我輕輕的咳了幾聲，才發覺頭也有點痛，真的感冒了。
清除答錄機裡的留言，都是一些不痛不癢的瑣碎問候，卻沒有一通是你打來的，整理好列印完的報告，回沖杯子裡的茶包，輕輕啜飲不若第一泡濃郁的紅茶，也許你最近工作很忙吧。還是不在國內，去了英國、德國、日本、義大利、荷蘭、美國......，許多我不曾去過的地方。有一回在夢中接起你的電話：「我吵醒妳了嗎？」「沒有，我在等你的電話。」我問你現在幾點了，問完才想起在海的那一端的你根本無法回答我的問題，我們像是同時想到似的，在電話線兩端各自笑了起來。
電話依舊沉默著，我有些失望的帶著濾過性病毒躲進睡眠裡休息。
「今天的新聞焦點是......」不知道究竟睡了多久，打開電視又看見美麗的女主播字正腔圓的敘述著新聞細節。「咳.....」喉嚨痛的厲害，忍不住咳了好幾聲。肚子很餓，卻沒有食慾，我倒滿一杯五百西西的熱開水，用它來灌溉被病毒侵擾的喉嚨，也許過幾天去看醫生吧！「咳......」才這麼想時，又咳起來了。
氣象報告說的沒錯，雨依然下個沒完，走在城市的街道上，雨水總是輕易的從傘緣滴下，附著在衣角，袖口，鞋面，鏡片上。據說這種天氣讓很多人萌生自殺的念頭，也讓我提不起走到醫院看病的力氣，而且感冒正在流行，看了醫生也根治不了，也難怪會有人活不下去。
我用遙控器打開電視，又是美麗女主播的播報時間，自從那天下午之後我幾乎每天都會收看她的新聞，看起來是很有誠意的人，也許是因此那天我才會毫不思索的答應幫她，我總是無法拒絕有誠意的人，她跟對面的鄰居應該是同事吧！已經好多天沒遇見他，不知是他不在家還是沒遇到.....。鼻子一陣癢，我忍不住打了噴嚏，我把窗戶關緊，發現窗外下著傾盆大雨。
也許我該嚐試打個電話給你，我已經搬家這麼久了，可能是你太忙了，抽不出時間，該不會是忘記了吧？我們多久沒見面了？你還是習慣穿深咖啡色及膝外套嗎？頭髮應該長了些，也可能修過了。我呢，頭髮更長了，也不是刻意要留，只是想不出要剪頭髮的理由。
預設種種可能的狀況，我更想見你了。
「對不起您撥的電話現在收不到訊號......」一個冰冷的女聲說著，我喉嚨更痛了。
連續撥了好幾通，都一樣收不到訊號，同樣冰冷的女聲回應著，我突然害怕被發現這些電話都是我打的。不打了。
睡著之前雨都沒停過。
終究敵不過病毒的威力，還是去看病了。醫生重覆著多喝水多休息等等金
科玉律，我點點頭說好。「記得按時吃藥。」臨走之前仍苦口婆心提醒我，果然是醫生。
雨綿密的下著，剪不斷理還亂的藕斷絲連著，這雨，還真能下。上樓梯時雨水從上往下滑行至尖端部位，凝成水流，蠻橫的停頓在鞋面上，我快步爬上樓梯，鞋跟與地面磨擦發出聲響，混著雨水的。
「怎麼是妳？」美麗的女主播，我在心裡說著。她跟上回一樣坐在樓梯間，而且看起來已經等一段時間了。
「你知道傑去哪了嗎？」我想她指的是住在對面的他。
我不好意思的搖搖頭，因為我根本就不認識他，可是不能幫她忙有種辜負她的感覺。
「唉！說的也是。妳怎麼會知道呢！」她自言自語說著，似乎很失望。
「上次那份紙袋.....」我突然想起來，我完成她託付給我的任務。
「我知道，還沒謝妳呢！」她憂鬱的眼神突然誠懇熱切起來。
「謝什麼，不過是舉手之勞而已。」能夠幫到她，我真的很高興。
她站起來，鐵灰色的直筒牛仔褲配黑色短靴，褲管被雨淋濕又被等待烘乾。她撥了撥額前凌亂的髮，整個人散發著一股驕傲氣質，驕傲的理直氣壯，一點都不做作，不是站起來才驕傲的，只是站立的姿勢將驕傲的氣質具象化。
「我打擾到妳了嗎？」她看看我以後說。雨傘上的水已經在地上積聚成灘，我才想起趕著進門的原因。
「沒有啊！」我搖搖頭說。
「妳還要繼續等嗎？」我小心翼翼的探詢著。
「嗯。應該是吧！」她頗沉重的點點頭，耳後微捲的髮散到前面來。
我拿出鑰匙開門，她轉過身去，該不會要繼續坐在樓梯上吧。「妳....不要進來坐坐....反正一樣都是等嘛.....說不定他待會就回來了.....」鑰匙還插在門上，我回憶起上次的場景，報告，門牌，鍵盤，牛皮紙袋，To Jeffrey From Catherine.队
她遲疑了幾秒鐘後，很用力的點了點頭，「好。那就麻煩妳了。」
我打開門，傍晚的室內混合著潮濕的空氣，濃稠的曖昧蘊釀著。她獨自坐在沙發的角落，成為一方平凡的風景，「妳一個人住嗎？」她抬起頭問我。
「嗯！」我點點頭。
我們簡單客套的閒聊，學校，上課，未來，社會，家庭，等等有可能的話題。話題與話題銜接的空檔，時鐘顯示十點十分。我們都察覺了。
「不好意思打擾妳這麼久，我該走了。」她誠懇的道歉。
他也應該回來了吧！我開門送她出去，聽見她按門鈴的聲音，連續好多聲，在寂靜的夜裡，尷尬的響著。
夜，彷彿很深了。
從夢中咳醒，我不得不起身倒杯熱開水。隱約好像聽見對面的電鈴聲又響了幾聲，難道她還在等？不會吧！還來不及想清楚就屈服在感冒藥的威力下，沉沉睡去。也不知道是否錯過了你的電話。
陽光以和煦但不傾斜的角度自窗外照進來，指針呈微笑狀態滴滴答答著，十點十分。我打開窗戶看見被陽光晒乾的路面，有種甦醒的味道。喉嚨好像也沒那麼痛了，一個熟悉的顏色抓住我的視線。對面的他穿著我熟悉的咖啡色及膝外套從巷口走進來。他不會是現在才回來吧？她等了那麼久。
我拿起鏡前的梳子用力的梳著，頭髮打結的厲害，像一堆雜草。你一直都很喜歡我的長髮，難道這是我找不出剪髮理由的原因！？我擠了適量的洗髮精在手上，調勻，搓揉至髮上。蓄長的直髮像黑色的瀑布一樣在身後蔓延著，我用毛巾裹住它，稀釋不均勻的水份。
洗過的髮有一種新鮮的香味，在四周來回飄蕩。
喉嚨不癢了，頭也不痛了，天氣也跟著好了起來。我帶著乾淨的頭髮出去散步，走在溫暖的空氣裡，感覺份外清醒。
「嗨！好久不見。」身著咖啡色的他拍了拍我的肩膀。
「嗯！你出差嗎？」他點點頭。我不好意思過問關於她是否等到他的消息，畢竟，我們也只是點頭之交的鄰居而已。
「這幾天有人來找過我嗎？」聽他這麼說就知道她一定沒等到他。我遲疑的思考了從插入鑰匙到開門的時間。
「有啊！上次那個拿牛皮紙袋給你的小姐。」我陳述了事實，卻省略了她等待的真相。
「喔！」他喔的有些僵硬，驚嘆號呈不規則的鋸齒狀。我站在半掩的門口等他的反應，準備進門。
關於這樣的情節彷彿很容易將男女主角的關係對號入座，雖然很沒意義，但想起她因等待而焦慮的畫面，便有些不忍了，也許是想起了自己，想起了一直沒有響起的電話。
「那我知道了，謝謝。」他沉默了五秒以後說。
「鈴......鈴.....」來不及衝進去接電話。
「你好，我現在不在家有事請留言，謝謝。」答錄機轉動著。
「是我，一切都還好嗎..........」這聲音，我一直等待的，再也熟悉不過了。
「喂！我在。」接起話筒時，半掩的門斜斜映著。
A neighbor ［2004］
I sit up from the sofa, look at the clock, it is almost twelve, you probably will not call me tonight, all night I press the remote control unconsciously, wait for the phone ringing, however, I only hear the running paces of the clock, di da, di da.(sounds of clock )
When I open my eyes and wake up, sunbeams come through the window; it is very shining, brilliant as taking for granted, for a long time living in the basement; it is hard for me to notice the temperature of sunbeam, now the sunbeam spread all of me, it feels like been peeping, and I feel unsafe. Several months ago, I was busy finding a new apartment, you told me that your friend would go aboard, his apartment would be empty for a period of time. The apartment is in the neighborhood of the University, better than the humid basement.
Then, that’s a deal. On the other side of the telephone, you said in a tone both of tenderness and imperativeness, I imagine your face and action, wearing the dark brown coat, hold the phone on your desk, attune the glass, through the glass talking to me, waiting for my answer, “Why are you silent?” you ask me. “I am imagining your face!” I hear your smile from the telephone. It seems that you stand beside me.
I walk down stairs, I am not acquainted with walking down, the door opened automatically before I put my hands on it, “I am sorry, are you ok?” The iron door hit my head; it’s too late to escape.
“Well, I am ok.” Because I am in a day dreaming, I can hardly feel any pain. Waking up by seeing the familiar color, dark brown, I think that’s you, the same dark brown coat, light white shirt.
“I am so sorry; I am so rude, I should be careful.” He said with politeness, I am feeling pain now, so I do not have mind to care about his apologize.
I explain to him that I am fine, don’t worry about me, because he feels sorry for me, he will not know that I am in a day dreaming, it’s ok, I repeat again. Moreover, I am in a hurry to get to class, so I must go now. He says good bye to me.
Hadn’t you called me last night? I exert myself adapting the air of the city, try to make myself more awake, a new semester begins, the campus seems vivid, the whole surroundings like have a new life; however, I am not a freshman anymore, this feeling I can only feel, but can not experience any more.
You came into my life when I was a freshman, I always talking about my life and memory to you, you just listened, sometimes looked at me, didn’t say anything, not interrupting me either. Thus I continue talking. Time line walks in its own trajectory, I talked and you listened, this model became our habit.
That night I obeyed the habit, talking with you as usual. Suddenly, there was a different light shining in your eyes, this adjective is correct, indeed, I saw a light, from your eyes which I am familiar with. I do not feel this is our habit anymore. This feeling stop me talking as usual. Are you tired of this habit? I suddenly can not say anything, looking at that light became large, and larger, spreading out, filling out my sight, feeling a dazzling light, it drawn my eyes close, the lips received a touch, warm and wet, an experience that I had never experienced. From that time, we have a brand new habit, above the old one.
Before I leave school, I met the assistant in our department, she asked me about the things that I am doing now, and what my plan about future? Maybe I will study abord, or go to graduate school in our country.I like this care, not heavy, but feel well. Even you are not acquainted with these people. But her care warms me a lot.
Turn right into lane, take the key you gave me to open the door. It is not too late, the sky is still clear, I plan to wash clothes. Someone hit my shoulders, is that you? I think that when I turn my head back. “It’s you, what a coincidence!” It’s him. “Are you also living in this building?” He pushes the door.
“Yes!” I am nodding. We have some conversation when walking inside. He lives in the apartment opposite of mine, we are neighbors.
I press the answer machine in a rush.
“…..”
“…..”
Feel like junk mail in mail box, you didn’t call me.
I walk into bathroom; take the clothes to washing machine, the sunbeam still shining as taking for granted. Feel like peeping by a stranger, feel unsafe.
When we have a new habit, the safe feeling disappeared gradually, you said that’s because I depend on myself too much. “You can rely on me” you told me, I trust you, but I am unable to trust myself, you said you don’t understand, actually, me either.
The conclusion of new habit was, you began to talk to me.
“Lin---Lin---Lin----”I get all the clothes back, too late to get the phone.
“Hi, I am not at home now, please leave message, thanks.” The answer machine is running his duty.
“-----du” When I run to the phone, it ends. Damn. Is that you? When I hang all clothes on sticks, the nights has been already fallen in its own way. Black covers the sky, the sky divided by black, like weeping. I always can not concentrate when you’re talking; maybe I am not adapted to our new habit.
Often, I look in your eyes, earnestly, however, I don’t know why, I can not hear your voice clearly, like particles in the air, sometimes you see them, sometimes not.
I close kitchen door after hanging clothes, I feel a little hungry, there are several eggs, noodles, vegetables in refrigerator. I wash the cooker; put some oil, the surface of the cooker become noisy. I made an egg, then put noodles and hot water inside.
This taste was invented by Wei, previous roommate of mine. This is the first time I have cooked it when I move in this apartment, it reminds me of the memory of living in the basement, but I am not living in the basement any more. The only thing clear is the noodles, in water, “Did it taste so good?” I smiled because your question. I like when you talk to me this tone. I can see longing and expectation in your eyes. I feel satisfied while you asked me.
The rain fall outside the window, which uses the vocabularies that specifically belong to city to picture plots. I turn on the light, the voice of raining becomes unfit, looking at the trash can and find it is full, I have to put them out, although I am afraid of missing your call. I can not find the umbrella so I hold the trash can outside. When I prepare by opening the door, it open automatically again, however, it does not hit my head this time.
“Are you throwing the trash?” Standing behind the door, he is still wearing the same dark brown coat, a big umbrella on his hand.
“Right” I nod.
“Don’t you bring an umbrella!?” I am not sure what he wants to ask me. I can tell that rain is huge from his wet clothes, he seems to be aware of that, he wants to help me with the rain, hope that I walk with him. I appreciate his sincerity, “Ok!” I say.
“How long have you been living here?” I haven’t seen you before.
He holds the umbrella with his left hand; make more space for me,
“I just moved in when the semester begins.” I put the wet plastic bag into trash can.
“I feel so sorry this morning; I hope you are all right!” He never knows that because I am waiting by the phone so out of my mind.
“Of course, you see, I’m still standing here.” I am saying jokingly. He smiles, there is an understanding flying through his eyes. Suddenly, I am thinking that I might miss your call, so I say goodbye and quickly return to the apartment. There are no messages in the answer machine.
It is so quiet in the living room that almost I can count the frequency of my breathing; I’m not yet accustomed myself to this. When I was living in the basement, adjoining with the noises, in the anterior was the crying of babies, in the left was the Rock and road music, often altercated all the night, there was often strange sounds and shaking from the upper floor; I was always disturbed by them, and waked up from the dreams, keeping the black eyes with me. You looked at my eyes and asked me if I couldn’t sleep well, I told you the truth. You frowned and said that a basement was not a proper living environment, the serious tone like a father, I smiled, “What do you laugh?” You asked me with confusion. I smiled with silence. I press the remote control to turn on the TV on; suddenly, many voices fill the living room, I need this company to divert myself from loneliness.
When I wake up the TV is still talking, I fell asleep on the sofa last night, I’ve missed the starting to class, and I am lazy to go to class late; I go outside to buy breakfast, “Are you going to class?” He is standing outside the door when I open it. “I slept late, and now I am too lazy to go class.”
“It must be so good to be a student.” He looked at me, seemed like thinking about something.
“Yes, perhaps” I say to him, although I do not agree.
I buy a dambin[i] and some hot milky tea, a newspaper; the sun is shining. I turn the computer on, press the keyboard and begin working on my paper. The hot milk tea with its white steam is on the desk, you never liked hot drinks, and you didn’t take cream or sugar in your tea or coffee. I, on the other hand, was always busy adding cream and sugar, you always used to look at me,” What are you looking at?” I would ask you.
“Don’t you feel bored?”
I told you no. We drank our drinks severally, with cream, and without cream.
When the hot milky tea is finished, and my paper is still at the beginning, I stand up. The line at the bottom of the computer screen is blue, showing that the file has been saved. The sky is full of clouds, which reminds me to take my clothes down.
“Brrring…Brrring…….” When I run to the telephone, I find that it’s the door bell that is ringing.
“Yes, may I help you?”
The door had opened in a rush, I think I must look terrible. Confusion shows on her face, it seems that I should not be there.
“Hi, who are you looking for?” I ask her.
“Excuse me; does Wun Jey Chou live here?”ㄓㄡㄩㄣˇㄐㄧㄝˊ (W-U-N J-E-Y C-H-O-U )Because I still not wake up from the keyboard world, I translate her words in letters, but there does not appear the complete word.
“I’m sorry, he doesn’t live here.” The confusion in her eyes grows and grows, it pulls at me.
“This should be right.” She murmurs.
“Can I see your note book?” Still in the world of the keyboard, ㄓㄥㄨㄌㄨㄡㄐㄧㄋㄅㄕㄙㄦ, when I put the letters together, I find they corresponds to the apartment straight across the hall.
“That’s his apartment, you’ve made a mistake with the address.” I direct her across the hall.
“Oh, really, I’m so sorry.” She smiles embarrassedly.
“That’s ok.” She smiles, looks gratitude.
I go back inside and continue working on my paper. The rain is falling outside, like an unknown language, typing on the keyboard is also a language system of language, mix them together, and you get a dissonance, which no adjective can decorate, how can this be? I feel a little surprised; but, it is only a coincidence. The rain falls from the sky coincidentally when the keyboards are typing by me, a dissonance happens when they meets, the rain stops or the computer had been turned off; either of them can only solo or simply quite.
Are you listening to the rain also? Residing in the same city with you, breathing the same dirty air, walking in similar streets or in the neighborhood in city, however, we can not see each other. “Were you not at home last night?” The weekend before the rainy season came, you had just finished a project. Your voice on the other side of the phone sounded relaxed; on the other hand, I was just beginning my finals, “I studied with a friend at MacDonald.” I wrapped myself in a quilt and could hardly open my eyes they were almost closed. I yawned, and felt sleepy, “The one in teng-mu[ii]?” You didn’t hear my yawning.
“Right.” I endured the sleepy feeling which was trying to grab me. You, on other side of the phone, said that you had a meeting at Friday’s, that will be least meeting for this project. And also the most important, repressing the yawn which followed,however,I couldn’t make myself say to you that I had an exam the next day, gradually, your voice became vague, however hard I listened, still could not hear clearly.
“Bzzzzz” the telephone I was holding in my hand had become warm, and I heard a loud voice coming from the telephone. I had fallen asleep, just in that moment, I could not believe it, I thought that was the alarm clock ringing. I sat straight up with my whole body.
“What’s the matter with you?” Wei asked me, she was working on her paper, she looked at me with confusion, the pace of her typing on the keyboard passed me by.
“I’m all right!” I did not know how I had fallen asleep at that moment nor how I could fall asleep at that moment. Remembering that you had told me that after finishing work, you would drive to teng-mu, we would be very close; we could almost meet at that time. But I had been falling asleep when you told me that, it was ironic, we would be in the same area of the city at the same time, although it wasn’t a date, we did not have to meet at that moment. But, it meant another kind of missing.
I am listening and thinking of you, when gradually the voice of the rain gets smaller. I stop typing, because I have finished writing several paragraphs of papers, I open the window, the sky washed by rain appears red, blue, purple, strangely beautiful.
I open the door and decide to go out to buy something to eat. “Didn’t you find him?” I am surprised that the woman, who had knocked the wrong door, is still sitting outside, my subconscious had almost deleted her from memory, but she is still there, wearing her dark red shirt, a black skirt, brown silk socks, sitting on the stairs. So I ask her, although I don’t think we know each other.
“No!” She seems bored. She shakes her head.
“Can you help me?” She asks me.
“Can I? I don’t know Are you sure that I can help you?” I walk up to her.
“Please help me by taking this for him, because I must leave now.” She gives me a bag, a heavy one, with written on it “To Jeffrey, From Catherine.”
“Thanks so much.” She stands up.
“You’re welcome.”
Channel after channel, passes by on screen thanks to the remote control; the image doesn’t stay for more than five seconds. Suddenly, a face appears which I have seen before; the same face that was almost deleted by my subconscious this afternoon. She is a Television reporter, reporting the daily news. This reminds me to fulfill the mission that she gave to me.
“Rrring…Rrring….” I press the doorbell several times but no one answers, the voice of the doorbell rings in and out in of the empty stairs.
It’s late now; the bag seems important, so I write a note and put it under the door, I write my name, “a neighbor,” I think that’s ok.
The window panes are blurry because of the rain, like how I see the world when I don’t wear glasses; everything is unclear, like in a dream, you would never know the object there truly exists or not.
I get up early to go to first class in the morning, the air is full of the smell of rain, the weather report says that the rain will last for about two weeks; it is cold in the early spring. I feel a little tickle in my throat; I think I am getting a cold now. I tie a scarf around my neck, hope that will make me warmer, but, the wind blows my hair from the like a casual embrace, no choice, the only thing I can do is walk alone in this chilly wind, like waiting for your call, you would never let me call you, you used to hope I would behave like a student, the way I walk, meditate, take a bus, eat, sleep, should follow the way a student should be. But what is proper behavior for a student? I cannot stop my mind in order to wonder about this, you like me, living in the way you think proper, but what choice do I have?
“I haven’t seen you for several days, where are you going?” the assistant asks me when I walk on campus.
“I was writing a paper at home.” I clear my sore throat and answer her. She is still kind, underneath the conversation; I feel she cares about me. I feel that I exist at that moment.
I return to my apartment, I sit at the computer, continue the last paragraph, this paragraph is the conclusion.
When I finish the last note for my paper, point the mouse right, close the file, and stand up straight to relax my body.
“Rrrring------Rrrring----Rrrring---” I open the door.
“Hi.” He has the note in his hand, he looks tired.
“I was expecting you, wait a minute.” I take the bag to him, fulfill my mission for the beautiful reporter.
“Thanks a lot.”
“You’re welcome.”
Waiting for my paper to print, I make the Lipton black tea, without sugar, for myself. When my lips come close to the brim, I feel hot, and my glass becomes white. I listen to the voice of the printer running in the next room, my throat feels the taste of the tea, I am uncomfortable and cough, and feel a little headache coming. I really am getting a cold. I delete the messages on my answering machine, they are all nothing serious, none of them is from you. I pick the papers up, and pour hot water into my cup again, drink more tea, but it doesn’t have same taste now. Maybe you are busy now or maybe you are in Britain, Germany, Japan, Italy, The U.S.A, Holland, one of many places where I have never been. Once you phoned me and I was still in a dream.” Did I wake you up? ”
“No, I was waiting for your call.” I asked you what time it was now, after that I felt funny because you could not answer my question. You were not in the same time zone as me. We burst into laughter as were realized this at the same time.
The phone is still silent; I feel a little disappointed and bring my cold to sleep.
“The news today is ……….’ I don’t know how long I have been sleeping, I turn the TV on, see her on screen again.……………” I feel pain with my throat, I cannot stop coughing.
Hungry now, but no appetite, I boil a cup of hot water, drink it for my painful throat, maybe I will go to see a doctor tomorrow! “…………..” When I think about that, I start coughing again.
The weather report is right, the rain is not stopping, walking on the street, water always fall down from umbrella, onto my clothes, sleeves, shoes, glasses. It’s said that this weather makes people depressed and makes oneself want to attempt suicide. It also makes me too lazy to see the doctor, and since the flu is going around now, it is useless to see the doctor. It is not surprising that people want to die by this weather.
I press the remote control to turn the TV on, it’s her on TV again, since that afternoon, I watch her reporting news almost everyday, she looks like a kind person.Maybe it is the reason why I can not refuse her request, I always do not know how to say no with a kind person, maybe she and the neighbor who live in the opposite door are colleagues. I haven’t met him for days, maybe he is not at home or we don’t meet each other. I feel a tickle in nose, then sneeze. I close the window. I find the heavy rain outside. Maybe I should try to call you, move in for a period of time; maybe you are too busy to call me. Do you forget to call me? How long have we not met each other? Are you still wearing the dark brown coat? I think your hair must be longer now. Maybe you will cut your hair, how about my hair? Longer now, I don’t mean it, just don’t cut them. Think about that, I want to see you even more.
“Sorry this number is not available now!” A cold female voice says, I feel my throat hurt even more.
Continuing to dialing the number for several times, none of them is available, the same cold female voice replies, suddenly, I am afraid that it would be discovered that these calls are called by me. I do not want to call you anymore. Before I fall asleep, the rain never stops.
Unfortunately, I can not resist the cold and go to see doctor. The doctor tells me drink more water and rest.
I say yes” Remember to take the medicine regularly” The doctor reminds me before I leave. He is really a doctor.
“How can that be you?” The pretty reporter, I speak to myself in mind. She sits on the stairs like last time. And she seems to be waiting for a while.
“Do you know where is Jey going?” I think the guy she mentions is him, who lived at the opposite door. I feel sorry for her, because I don’t know this guy. I feel sad that I cannot help her.
“Oh, yes, how will you know that?” She murmurs to herself, seems disappointed.
“How does the bag last time?” Suddenly, I think of that bag, I fulfill her mission for me. “I know thanks so much!” Her eyes are full of sincerity now.
“You are welcome.” She stands up, light grey pants with black shoes; her pants wet and dry again. She pushes her hair in head. I take my key, want to open my door. She turns around, would she sit on the floor again?
“How about coming inside, you can wait for him in my apartment; maybe he will come in just a few seconds...” The key is on the door. Now I remembered the scene last time, the papers, wrong address, keyboard, heavy bag, To Jeffrey, From Catherine.
She hesitates for seconds and nods.”Ok, I hope I am not bothering you too much.”
“Am I disturbing you?” She asks me. The water gathers a piece on the ground. It reminds me why I am here.
“No!”
“Are you waiting for him?” I ask her carefully.
“Well, yes!” She nods hair in the back come and crossed her shoulder. She sits at a side of the sofa, like a part of it, “Are you living alone?” She asks me. “Right!” I nod. We have some short conversation--school, class, future, the society, family. A pause between the conversations, the clock tells the time; it is ten-en now. We are aware of that at the same moment.
“Sorry for brothering you, I should go now.” She apologizes for me. I think he should be at home now. I say goodbye to her, hearing the ring ringing outside, in a silent night. It seems embarrassed.
It seems so late now.Birling a cup of hot water for me. Hearing the ring ringing outside, is she still waiting there? I hope not. Then I fall asleep, I don’t know if I miss your call.
Through window, sunbeam spread inside, I open the window, the road is full of sunshine now. The cold is better now. A familiar color captures my sight. He is walking with the familiar color, dark brown. Does he come back now? How long would she wait?
You always like me in long hair, is that why I can not find a reason to cut my hair? I put shampoo on my head, the hair spread on my back.
After washing my hair, a fresh smell full of air. The throat is comfortable, and my headache is relived. The weather is fine now; I take a walk outside, in a fine weather. Walking in the warm weather, I feel awake and fresh.
“Hi,” He pulls my shoulder.
“Yes, are you working outside the city?” He nods. I don’t ask her is she met him, after all, it is too personal, we are just neighbors.” Was someone looking for me in these days? ” He asks, I hesitate for a few seconds.
“Yes, the woman took the bags for me last time.” I briefly describe the fact, but I do not tell him that she is waiting for him until midnight.”
“Wow!” He seems surprised.
A scene like this, it is easy to recognize their relationship, however, it is useless. Maybe it reminds me of thinking of myself, thinking of that not receiving your call these days.
“OK, I know thanks.” He replies me.
“Lin------” The phone ringing.
“Please leave a message.” The answer machine is turning around.
“Hey! It’s me, how are you these days?” The voices, I’m waiting for a long time.
“Yes, I am.” I take the phone; the half-open door is shadowed by sunbeams.
[i] A typical Chinese food, for breakfast, made by egg and flour.
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