Dear Lovage,
I got up...at around two in the afternoon, I think. It was a quiet day. In fact, I think this has been my "reading week".
Memories are fascinating. As we talk more and more about X, how close or not close, familiar or unfamiliar with X, I begin to doubt myself as much as you do yourself now. Funny, isn't it? What we remember and what we don't...
Even when I remember the nitty-gritty, I can't really say I can rely on my memory. So I propose to leave it aside for a little bit. Maybe I'll come back to trying to remember things, a bit later.
***
My little x rang me yesterday, again. He's driving me insane, in a mild sort of way. As I struggle to understand myself, I lose the understanding of his motivation and intention. It's just as well that no one else seems to fancy me now. At least none of those more significant to me. Phew! Things are so easy now, compared with two months ago...
Robert Altman's (the American director who shot the film 'Short Cuts') introduction to the book [Short Cuts] stimulates the contemplative child in me; it got me thinking again. Robert Altman is a dedicated reader of Raymond Carver's. He read all of Carver's writings before he set out to make the film: "...filtering him through my own process", as he said it.
It was also him who selected the nine stories and one poem in the book [Short Cuts].
In the introduction he spoke of his personal and artistic connection with Raymond Carver,
"Raymond Carver's view of the world, and probably my own, may be termed dark by some. We're connected by similar attitudes about the arbitrary nature of luck in the scheme of things...
Somebody wins the lottery. The same day, that person's sister gets killed by a brick falling off a building in Seattle. Those are bothe the same thing. The lottery was won both ways. The odds of either happening are very much against you and yet they both happened. One got killed and the other got rich; it's the same action."
---(Carver, 1993: 8-9)
The arbitrary nature of love.
Is what I've been thinking. You either love, or you don't. No reason is needed, nor explanation possible. That's passion for me.
Passion constitutes an essential part in romantic love, but not so much in the love of frinedship or family. Affection is one of many manifestations of true love, but it isn't adequate to define love... I fall in, and out of love. Yet the affection and care remains, and together they destabilise the distinction I try to draw between my loves and love-nots...
Sometimes I feel I have the answers, but I lack directions. I say, "This has got to be it! But then, where to go, and what to do NEXT?"
*sigh*
love, p
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