I would be interested in knowing what some of you mean when you say you are (or want to) leading a "chaste" life?
1 Does it simply mean you are abstaining from sex?
2 Does being chaste mean having no sexual thoughts?
3 Can one still be considered chaste if he/she masturbates or looks at photos/videos that arouse me?
I am trying to get a handle on the term and am seriously interested in your perspectives.
Thanks.
Steve
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Look up Chastity in the Catechism of the Catholic Church! It is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. It falls under the virtue of Temperance, moderating the attraction of the pleasures of the senses, balancing use of created goods.
From my perspective it is a process of gaining control over one's own (God given) gift of Sexuality. The gift of Sexuality has God-given purposes! Those being: sharing in creation of other human beings while bonding one's self for life to one person of the opposite sex. Like all virtues, attaining the Virtue is a process of : error (sinning), correction (feeling guilt), improvement (Sacrament of Reconciliation), choosing morally appropriate actions (avoiding occasions of sin and learning new behaviors).
Hence, becoming and eventually being Chaste means: while fraught with errors, continually choosing morally appropriate actions (Reconciliation, Learning about God's purpose for Sexuality, Praying for Spiritual Guidance from the Holy Spirit, Talking about one's sexual desires and experiences with a Spiritual Director, Exercising, Choosing new behaviors when tempted.)
Again: attaining Chasity is a PROCESS! And when one attains the perpetual state of being CHASTE, one better reflects the "Image of God" to others! And the freedom from the addictions to self-soothing and self-pleasure is absolute JOY, which is another fruit of the Holy Spirit.
God Speed!
Don
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Hello Brothers and Sisters In Christ
My name is Daniel and ... I have been struggling with SSA for as long as I can remember. In the beginning I was confused as I wasn't sure why I was not developing as I should, I was not attracted to girls , wasn't interested in sports and didn't have many of the same interests as some of my other male friends. I struggled this way many years from disappointment to shame, frustration and heartache.
One day I finally accepted who and what I was and fully embraced the culture, of course this was a lie of the devil. I continued this way into my early 40's, when I finally decided enough was enough, especially after the death of my mother. Both my parents were very devout Catholic Christians, my father was even an evangelist. Well soon after my mother's death. I went to confession the first time in over 25 years, I remember after the priest absolved me of my sins, I literally saw a black layer of smoke come off of my body.
These past few years I have had many falls, but keep picking myself back up, Jesus won't let me go even though I have tried to return to my past way of life. I thank the Lord that he will not let me go, mine eyes have been opened to the truth, His truth. It's a struggle that I take day by day, it takes courage to be a Christian.
Each day I grow in my faith and resolve to be obedient and faithful to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I thank God for the sacrament of reconciliation, for being born into a Catholic family and for my father and mother who prayed all their lives for my conversion, I will keep on that path with the help and grace and mercy from Our Lord Jesus Christ. We must be vigilant always turning to prayer, scripture, Mass, Holy Eucharist, and fasting doing these things as often as possible so when that day of temptation comes we will be able to resist. As St Paul said temptation will be with us as long as we live, temptation is over the day we are know longer a part of this world. So we must put on all the armor of Christ, that these falls when they come shall be less and less frequent. We must decrease while the Lord increases in us. Praise you Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior, Praise the God of Isreal, Issac and Jacob. Glory to your Lord Jesus Christ. Let every knee bend at the name of Jesus Christ.
God Bless
Daniel
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Hey Bill... How's it going?! I hope good.
Well... I see your thoughts about masturbation, and I'll tell you my story.
I've been struggling with SSA since I was 6, I guess.... masturbation has been part of my life for a long time as well, and it got stronger as I was growing. I used to be an addicted in that, you can't really imagine how it was with me.
I never had assumed myself publicly as a gay guy, and mostly the way I used to do to get pleasure was through masturbation. It didn't come alone, I also had consumed a lot of porn since I found that, around my 16's. Man, every thing that I did excited me towards masturbation, my mind worked for that a lot... I used to feed that feelings about my friends, my teachers in college, every guy I see around, on TV shows, advertisement, magazines, at the church, man... that used to be really crazy. My imagination allied with the possibility of having pleasure through masturbation took me down so hard for a quite long time in my life. In addition, all masturbation only turns my SSA more on, and let me open to have relations with other guys soon as I had the opportunity.
I was obsessed for that. Masturbation is something that has no end. Once you start you will keep feeding each time more... it hurts you, your body, your heart and your relations because at some point I was near some people only because they sounded to me attractive and I use to feed that in my imagination, and through masturbation.
Despite being at church for years, only lately, some weeks ago, I decide to change my life for something real, something true. I decided to deal with my SSA holding God's hand. And one of the steps that are helping mostly is stopping with masturbation. It doesn't happen instantly, I had masturbate lately, but I have also looked for the sacrament of reconciliation. I stopped with porn which is also helping me a lot, and I'm trying to reeducate my imagination, which is a great part of the job of getting free of masturbation desire. I have prayed every day, and looked for daily mass.... it's part of getting real close of God's mercy.
Man, what I have to tell you is: look for reconciliation as long as you fall. God is always there. Be open-minded to understand the path you're walking... it's being a great victory of God's grace and bravery so far... six years... because you fall didn't mean that it wasn't worthy. Hope you be fine.
Praying for you today,
Leo.
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Hi,
My name is Maribel, and ... I've been struggling with SSA since I was about 12 years old. I'm 18 now, but the attractions are still present. But for about a year I strayed away from the Church's teachings on SSA and found myself wanting to seek out a relationship with one of the same sex, yet at the same time I was torn about whether to agree or disagree on the topic of "gay marriage". It wasn't until a few months ago that I realized the pathway I was taking was leading me only towards unhappiness and unease, and I found that many Catholics who are dealing with SSA were experiencing much more happiness and peace than I was. So afterwards I returned to prayer, I've sought help from a local priest, and I finally told my Mom about my struggles just yesterday. I hope to find encouragement and support ... May God bless you all!
In God's Grace,
Maribel
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My name is Chris, I'm from Michigan, and I'm 18 years old. I'm a life long Catholic, though only recently did I fully embrace my faith. As far as my sexual orientation goes, it's been quite a baffling ordeal. I first noticed my same sex attractions at age 12 in the seventh grade. I was quickly swept away and excited by secular society's teachings on homosexuality and embraced the idea of calling myself "bi" to all my friends. Do you ever look back to when you were young and naive and feel embarrassed by your past self? Yeah, that was me.
By eighth grade, my attractions had become predominantly inclined toward men and I had begun calling myself "gay". Eighth grade was also the first time I had ever used the Internet to view images of naked men. At the time, I think it was mostly just curiosity (I was only 13), but I still felt that dark thrill that comes with viewing pornography. At first I felt horrible about it and swore to God I would never do it again, but little did I realize, I would continue to seek that thrill.
By my freshman year, I had moved on from pictures of men to videos of men. I was hooked on pornography and all the masturbation that comes with it. Sophomore year I went through this period of intense denial. My best friend became my girlfriend and I decided that I had become straight, because I was Catholic and Catholics are supposed to be straight, right?(more naivety). Despite being "straight", I still regularly viewed gay porn telling myself that I was a straight guy who had a fondness for the male genetalia or some nononsense like that.
After nine months I left that phase and kind of became stagnant. The beginning of senior year was probably my lowest point. Porn, masturbation, and even online video sex chat became regular parts of my daily routine. I engaged in these grave sins without even the slightest hesitation. What's worse is I never stopped believing the Church's teachings on these matters. I simply chose to ignore them, telling myself "I can still be a practicing Catholic without following ALL the Church's teachings".
Halfway into senior year, I finally garnered up the courage to come out to my parents. I figured I should let them know about the lifestyle I had chosen for myself and told them I didn't need their help making decisions. Luckily for me and my soul, they didn't accept that answer. To my dismay, they set up a meeting for me with our parish priest. I was so bitter about it that I actually started to believe the stupid media-perpetuated stereotypes about the Catholic Church; that they were trying to change me against my will and that a celibate man who knew nothing about sex was going to brainwash me into repressing myself. I know I said it before, but I'm saying it again; gosh, I was so dumb.
Anyways, I went to the meeting with Father and all we did was talk. There was not even the slightest bit of judgement or, gasp, conversion therapy against my will! Nothing more than friendly talking. There was one moment in that meeting that sticks with me to this day and I accredit it with changing my life: he asked me what my plans were for the future and I told him if the opportunity arrose, I was going to have sex with a man. In response, he said "if you do, promise me you'll use protection. I'd hate to find out that something bad has happened to you when you come back for our next talk". There I was telling a priest it was my intention to act against the Church and act against Christ and in response he shows me nothing but unconditional love and concern. It was because of that moment that I later realized there's no reason for me ignore the Church's teachings on homosexuality or any of her teachings, because clearly she knows and wants what's best for me out of genuine love. Compare that to the secular world, which only shows compassion for those who fit the secular agenda. Besides, not only does the Church hold the authority of Christ, she also holds over 2000 years of knowledge and knows more of the human condition than I could ever dream of knowing!
So, here I am today at almost 19 years old. I'm not "gay", I'm a beloved child of God who happens to have same sex attractions. There's no denying my homosexual attractions and I'm growing more content with that part of who I am everyday. I've made the decision to follow my loving God's call and lead a celibate life for Him. The priest mentioned above continues to be my spiritual director, friend, and inspiration to this day. Though I still struggle with masturbation and on occasion porn as well, I hope to kick both habits in the not-too-distant future. Thank you for hearing my story. I look forward to being able to have contact with folks who know where I'm coming from as I discern my vocation in life.
God bless you all,
Chris
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Dear Young Ones, Especially Maribel and Chris,
I admire you so much for turning to God and the Church in trust at around the age when I left a solid Catholic upbringing, and even Catholic school, and embraced the gay life. My prayer is that God blesses all of you and that you realize from this moment that you will have days of extreme temptation. However, don't let the secular media and the world we live in ever brainwash you. After not watching R rated movies for about ten years, I saw a scene last week from the Big Chill and something I used to think was rather tame was very sexually enticing. Think about it: you go to the movies, see a good movie and they throw in scenes of two different heterosexual couples having sex. Although they don't show anything, just the gyrating and thrusting can lead one into temptation. I fast forwarded it, and I'm not a prude. I just didn't want to go there.
I was in the hospital for a heart catheterization this past Friday and I found out that the only artery I have that's not clogged had collapsed and was 99% blocked. I could have dropped dead at any time. Yet I was given another chance. I felt Jesus during the procedure. And where does this lead me? After almost fifteen years of complete celibacy and chastity, I have been very tempted lately because I want to hold a man. And it was a man who embraced me, so to speak, and protected me: the doctor.
Yet, it was also a man who left everyone puzzled as to how I could have survived, and I don't even look handicapped, and that Man is Jesus Christ. During the procedure I could see the image of the Divine Mercy in my mind's eye. The early morning hours after my catheterization, I felt a peace and serenity that was all-encompassing. And I know friends who will say, or have said, that it was the new flow of oxygen, the sedatives or some other factor. But about an hour ago, I took a shower and took off my bandage, only to find that there was no blood where it covered my incision and that the incision itself is so small compared to the ones I've had before that God must still be trying to tell me it was a miracle. But, I believe. It's others who doubt.
We can suffer from lack of human intimacy -- but we can have it to a certain extent as long as it's not erotic and hopefully under the guidance of a spiritual director -- however, when life starts closing in around you and you think you might be facing death and you feel the presence of Jesus Christ, it is blissful, a feeling that by far shatters the weight of the memories of all the suffering we endure as we carry our cross and follow our Savior.
Please, young ones, become leaders for a new generation. Your peers need you very badly. And as for us, the older ones, let's guide and love our youth. Let's protect them. They're invaluable.
Love to all and many blessings,
Emil
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Dear Chris,
I am Fritz from Berlin, 65 year old and your story has really touched me. From reading your experiences I can assure you, that you are definitely on the right path. You are young enough to shape your behavior towards a chaste catholic life style. I have been struggling with SSA since puberty and I know exactly what you are talking about. The development of modern communication means hasn’t exactly made live easier for me. From my experience I have learned that first of all, I have to accept myself the way God has created me. It was a long process to come to that conclusion and, believe me; I have often quarrelled with God. I said “Look God, I haven’t created myself the way I am, you have made me, so please help me to come to terms with myself”. And he does help me! Even though I have slipped on occasions back to porn and internet sex. You see, it is a life long struggle but we must never give up the fight and put it in our prayers every day. So presumably I am what they call “gay”. But I definitely don’t want to live a gay life style. I have seen it all over the years and acting it out always leads to darkness and depression, so it can’t be right. Once I start to overcome my temptations I feel that I get help. I just have to keep at it. Chris, I pray for your, that you keep on the light path, avoiding the mistakes I have made during my life. But from what you are writing, I am optimistic, that you’ll make it. There are a lot of men here ..., following a similar way of life! Best wishes and kind regards from Fritz
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Dear Daniel and ...,
First, allow me to 'extract' from Wikipedia:
Androgynes may also use the term "ambigender" or "polygender" to describe themselves. Many androgyn..... etc...
Second, I am an old man (79) looking back on my entire life and seeking answers to "what went wrong?" Yes, probably I am being scrupulous in searching for answers, but, nevertheless trying to get answers to questions which should have been raised long ago. Physically, I am 100% male...and never married... ! But, this has not always clearly defined me as a child of God since throughout my life it seems I have been 50% girly ... That is, never participated in sports and have always sought areas which provide meditation... reading (Bible, classic literature...) ... listening to GOOD music...etc. I am not wanting to pursue this too far in this forum because I realize that I probably need to visit a psychiatrist. But, the term androgynous and its definition fits into my self-searching and wanting to ensure that I have been and still am serving God each day of life which I am allowed to have. In the past 50 years it seems to me that Western Culture has increasingly been scrutinizing EVERYTHING, and that overall this is not a very bad thing. It stems from the fact that we are more educated in all areas of our brief Earthly existence. ... I will not go further with this at this point...it's too long already !! Simply put, please pray for me as I always pray for everyone in ... We are all seeking answers and do our best to be chaste and KNOW God, every day under our life-circumstances...."for we do not know the hour or the day"....
YBIC Thomas
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I am now celebrating the fifteenth anniversary of my return to the Catholic Church. Although I don't remember the exact date, I believe it was during Lent of the year 2000. Since that time, I have been chaste and have not sinned against the flesh. It pleases me to announce this on the present forum so that I can reassure those who have been chaste for a day, a week, a month, a year or five or ten, that I was once where they are now and it's been our Lord, Jesus Christ, who has brought me this far. I still stumble in other ways. By myself I would have failed.
Please pray for me because the last eight months have been the most difficult, more difficult than all the previous years combined. I have just been holding on to our Lord's cloak. There are times when I have felt completely desolate and lonely, but there are times when I have felt His presence, however briefly. There are times of great sadness and times when I feel I'm getting a glimpse of Heaven. And you would think that someone who experiences such great joy would be able to walk away from the temptation of being with another man, but lately that hasn't been the case with me. The spiritual attacks have been relentless at times; the fight has been fierce.
Don't let anything discourage you because I may be having to fight fiercely now, but maybe that great battle I now face, you have already faced in the past before you got here. Don't give up and ask Jesus every day that His Will be done in your life since His Will is your salvation.
Lots of love and may God bless you all,
Emil
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Dear Andy,
I have recently come out of a "same sex" relationship and have moved back to Rhode island and am living with my best friend and his wife. I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that homosexuality is a grave sin against God and that I had been deceived and lied to for most of my life. As a practicing Catholic, I had always desired to want to do God's will and at the age of 58, I have finally had my eyes opened (why it took me this long is in itself a mystery but at least I now know the truth and it has set me free) and have listened to the Lord clearly telling me to "flee from immorality" and to live a chaste life. I, too, struggle with loneliness and need the support and encouragement from others who are on the same journey as I am. Last night, after I went to bed, I cried out to the Lord and asked him to help me find a friend. This morning, and old friend who lives in Florida contacted me. He, too, struggles with SSA and I was able to share my faith with him and to tell him just how deceptive the lie of homosexuality is and that God wants all of his children to be saved and to be chaste unless they are married (man and woman). It was an answer to prayer and he told me that he was so grateful to reconnect with me and that he wants to stay in touch daily and I thanked God that he heard my prayer. I encourage you to ask God to send you someone with whom you can share and connect with in a chaste way and someone you can be open and honest with who you can pray with and be friends with. "With God, all things are possible". I knows how lonely this road can be when you know in your heart that chastity is the way to live yet you are all alone and feel so lonely at times. God wants to give us peace and freedom from sin and he also wants us to be happy and whole. I am convinced that God wants to give us good things if we ask with a sincere and trusting heart. Please do not give up the search and I will say a prayer that God bring someone into your life to help support and encourage you along your journey.
In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen
Sincerely your brother in Christ, Rick
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Dear brothers and sisters in Christ,
Chris sent us the prayer for protection, addressed to the Holy Angels. He is right, this prayer would be great in times of loneliness and struggle. Let me tell you what helped me greatly in those times. Faith! I think my faith was not so weak, because I had been a Jesuit for 7 years when I had to leave out from that institution. OK, then I found Opus Dei and they provided me with the Plan of Life I have been doing for several decades. I am an old man. Would you like me to send this Plan to any of you and offer you some help with it? Just tell me.
Your brother,
Jorge
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Dear brothers and sisters,
Thought I'd share this wonderful prayer for invoking the help of the Holy Angels. Let's not forget to ask for their assistance, especially in times of loneliness and struggle.
Your brother,
Chris.
Oh, holy Archangels and Angel Custodians, essences of the Love and the Wisdom of God; you are my friends and faithful counsellors; come to me, holy Archangels and Angels, be my company night and day and do not let me lose my way. Remain at my side and defend me from the enemy of my soul, so that my walk be sure and all my works, acts and thoughts be in accord with the will of God; and thus may you and I glorify the Holy Name of the Most High.
Come, then, to me, oh Holy Creatures and let us praise together the Glory of God.
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Dear brothers and sisters in Christ,
Chris sent us the prayer for protection, addressed to the Holy Angels. He is right, this prayer would be great in times of loneliness and struggle. Let me tell you what helped me greatly in those times. Faith! I think my faith was not so weak, because I had been a Jesuit for 7 years when I had to leave out from that institution. OK, then I found Opus Dei and they provided me with the Plan of Life I have been doing for several decades. I am an old man. Would you like me to send this Plan to any of you and offer you some help with it? Just tell me.
Your brother,
Jorge
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Dear brothers and sisters,
Thought I'd share this wonderful prayer for invoking the help of the Holy Angels. Let's not forget to ask for their assistance, especially in times of loneliness and struggle.
Your brother,
Chris.
Oh, holy Archangels and Angel Custodians,
essences of the Love and the Wisdom of God;
you are my friends and faithful counsellors;
come to me, holy Archangels and Angels,
be my company night and day and do not let me lose my way.
Remain at my side and defend me from the enemy of my soul,
so that my walk be sure and all my works, acts and thoughts be in accord with the will of God;
and thus may you and I glorify the Holy Name of the Most High.
Come, then, to me, oh Holy Creatures and let us praise together the Glory of God.
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Leo,
Thanks for sharing. Your honesty and your desire to turn from your past and pursue God with all your heart is inspiring.
I am 59 years old and spent many of my 59 years pursuing the flesh. I can tell you that after having slept with many men through the years, and having fantasized and masturbated routinely, it rewards you with one thing ... emptiness (not to mention the shame that accompanies it.)
I returned to God with much fervor about a month ago, and the peace and contentment that I feel in my soul does not come close to all of the fleshly experiences I indulged in. You can't trade it for the world.
I know that my struggles in this area are not over, and there will be much temptation along the way, but I can truly say that walking rightly with God is a much more fulfilling life than anything another man or the world has to offer.
Thanks again for your beautiful story and honesty and please keep posting.
God bless.
Steve
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Friends from ...:
Masturbation is all right for the world, which constantly clamors for the fulfillment of sexual “needs”. The world’s view discards the nature of sexuality and what sexuality is meant to be, according to God’s plan for sex. Sexuality is meant to be a gift between a husband and a wife for the purpose of babies and bonding. It is incredible how the sexual activity between husband and wife bonds them together! That has been my experience of 48 years of being married. So, when a man masturbates, this gift is degraded and ceases being a gift. I read this on a document on this subject: the purpose of sexuality is abandoned, because the sexual act becomes “me” instead of “we”. The person is trained to look for himself for sexual fulfillment. The gift of sexuality is misused for the sake of lifeless pleasure. When people misuse their sexuality in this way, they may begin to use pleasure to change their mood, release tension, or forget their loneliness. Masturbation becomes an escape. It may pacify them, but it will never satisfy them. They use the fantasies of their mind and the pleasures of their body to flee from reality and the call to love. Their goal in sexual activity has been reduced to merely receiving pleasure instead of showing love.
Why an addicted man keeps falling into the same sins? Because “sin became a habit and habit became necessity”. I want you to go to confession once a week, to receive communion ay least every Sunday at mass, to say the three hail maries for purity at bedtime every night, to do spiritual reading from the Gospels and from a good book of spirituality such as the ones you can find online at escrivaworks.org.
Jorge
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Just a reminder from St Escrivá, from his book FURROW:
132
You play around with temptations, you put yourself in danger, you fool around with your sight and with your imagination, you chat about... stupidities. And then you are anxious that doubts, scruples, confusion, sadness and discouragement might assail you.
—You must admit that you are not very consistent.
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Jesus answered him, “If I have spoken wrongly, testify to the wrong; but if I have spoken rightly,
why do you strike me?”
Saint John 18:23
And it was in Antioch that the disciples
were first called Christians.
Acts 11:26
Throughout the millenniums and up to this very day, those who live Jesus are being persecuted, tortured and murdered. To be called a Christian one needs to be a Christian in word and action. In other words, there has to be evidence. Jesus was struck in the face for speaking the truth. Then there was plenty of other proof during His whole life that, through the Holy Spirit, He was the Father's agape personified. Yet when His most important hour to give one last time arrived, we overlooked all the good He did and demanded His execution. We were being provoked by the Fallen Angel and awash in our own foolish oblivion. Since He was both divine and human Jesus became the Martyr of martyrs. However, not only did He suffer a red martyrdom--the violent attack on His body and the loss of all His blood and finally His death--He also endured a white martyrdom, the unseen hurts of the false trial, the lies, the denials, the mockery, the humiliation--and the breaking of His Sacred Heart ... for we did not want Him. God was refused and crucified by those made in His own image. Anytime we sin we do not want Him. How fortunate we are to be able to reconcile with the Holy Trinity and the Church in the forgiving Sacrament.
Red martyrdom can come to any place as can the white: How do I behave when I am alone, in traffic, at the office, when, despite my best efforts, misfortune and poverty linger around me, when I hear I have a terminal disease? Grace flowing from the red and white rays of Jesus under His title of Divine Mercy can assist me from driving to work to walking with Him to the "guillotine" to honor His holy name.
A crown of thorns may be daily pressed upon our bodies, minds and souls, or we may have the great privilege to actually be killed as Jesus was. But a crown of purest gold awaits those who persevere who are open to those gifts given at Pentecost.
And upon our last breath and after any final spiritual cleansing we shall take our place in the heavenly domain to see God, to be with God, to be in God, and to fully enjoy eternity. The threats of any accusations or martyrdoms will be forgotten because Jesus, the Son of the Father, is risen from the dead. May His Holy Spirit through the intercession of the red and white martyrs help us on our pilgrim way.
Produce the Evidence
© Patrick A. Floriani
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Hi guys,
Thank you all for your kind messages. I've been remembering this group in my prayer intentions.
One of the things that has helped me in my challenge with SSA is to try to remember what's behind temptation. Temptation comes in a form that's appealing but it's worth remembering the ugliness that's behind the apparent beauty; remembering the wounded people, the eventual cost of sin (what that does to the body as well as the soul) and the being that wants to see us separated from God.
I remember a few years back leaving a men's sauna and turning back to look at the building I'd left, it's hard to explain but a chaotic darkness just seemed to hover over the building. That time was one when I was most distant from God and it frightened me though it has helped me greatly in my struggle since then. It leads me to think, if I saw things the way Heaven does how many things I would do differently and were my life might be as a result.
God bless you all.
Lucas
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Gentlemen:
I hope you received the message I forwarded from xxx International regarding the U.S. Supreme Court's ruling on same-sex marriage. By now you are aware of the ruling and the implications that it may have, particularly on people of faith. I'm sure there has been a mix of emotions from discouragement to anger and from angst to even perhaps resignation. To some of us, the ruling came as no surprise. I would like for us to keep things in perspective as we move forward as a fellowship.
It has been just over three years since I started attending xxx in Sacramento. The group had only been meeting for just nine months or so. As many of you know, I wasn't even a Catholic when I began my journey with xxx, which has been part of a larger journey that the Lord has been leading me on. I was received into the Church a year ago at Easter. It has been nearly four years when I started to question the meaning of my same-sex attractions in light of God's plan for my life. Prior to joining xxx, I had grown disillusioned with the so-called LGBT sub culture. I had spent the better part of a decade pursuing homosexual connection and community. I even thought that I could reconcile my Christian faith with my homosexual "orientation" and became involved in gay-friendly Christian fellowships and churches; I later realized that such "reconciliation" was a lie and a snare that would pull me away from Christ.
Having witnessed and experienced the promiscuity and unsustainability of homosexual relationships, I started searching for clarity. After having spent the better part of the 1990s in an "ex-gay" ministry program and reparative therapy, I wanted a different approach that was grounded in faith, truth and reason. I started looking into Catholic spirituality and psychology and found the answers and direction I was looking for such as in Saint John Paul the Great's Theology of the Body, the writings of Drs. Raymond Lloyd Richmond and Gerard Van den Aardweg, and xxx. These resources have led me toward a more intimate relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and have moved me to become apart of His Body, the Church. I have a renewed sense of hope and direction that I didn't have three or four years ago.
I realize that we as a fellowship are a bit of an anomaly in today's popular culture. Although we may continue to struggle with same-sex lusts and temptations, we have committed ourselves to a life of chastity where we learn to how to truly love others and grow stronger in our faith. That is a countercultural and even a revolutionary act. Therefore, let us use this moment as an opportunity to recommit ourselves to living holy lives dedicated to Christ and committing ourselves to His care and protection.
There are some exciting developments on the horizon for xxx Sacramento. After receiving the Bishop's blessing, we mailed letters to 80 parishes in the diocese containing brochures and information about xxx earlier this month. Our chaplain and spiritual director, Father Chuck, will be attending the annual xxx conference next month. The xxx International website was redesigned and contains our chapter's contact information. So please continue to pray that souls will be reached and that the Sacramento Diocese will be responsive to our message.
Here are some ways you can be encouraged and strengthened in the days, weeks and months ahead:
Pray the Rosary daily
Read Scripture daily from the Lectionary
Seek the intersession of Our Blessed Mother Mary, St. Joseph, St. Augustine and St. Nicholas for chastity, hope, protection and consolation
Ask St. Joseph for the healing of the "father wound"
Ask Our Blessed Mother for the healing of the "mother wound"
Ask St. Augustine and St. Nicholas for the courage to be chaste
Ask Our Lady of Guadalupe and St. Patrick to bless xxx Sacramento and increase our fellowship
Attend Mass at least once a week
Commit yourself to attending xxx every other Saturday at 2:30 p.m.
Please continue to remain strong, committed and faithful. We need each other and we need the Lord like never before. May God bless and keep you!
In Christ,
Rick
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Mark,
A nugget of wisdom that was offered to me recently - that I have never heard in my 58 years was to look at my ssa not as a cross but a teacher. When triggered by a man and/or in temptation to ponder what authentic God given need is not being met. You mention needing a friend. This is a normal need. Most of my life I have not felt like I belonged in the world of men. Part of it was that I rejected the world of men thinking it was not holy enough. Pretending to be a pious little boy, rejecting my own masculinity. It is possible to be an authentic man and be holy. Part of my journey has been to recognize that I love men & that it is normal to be "attracted" to men. It is my brokenness & wounds that sexualize that attraction. Yes, man is not meant to be alone. I am meant to have brothers on the journey to God. The journey is not about loving men less it is about loving them more. Love includes not objectifying them but seeing them and myself for what they and I really are and still loving them. What my 34 year marriage has given me is a son to love, a grandson to love, a son-in-law to love. You did not include as an option the option to accept yourself and see where God takes you. I too once thought that it would be wrong and unfair to marry a woman, until I fell in love with a woman who was first my friend. She knew about my ssa before we got married and was willing to take the risk. It has not been easy, we WERE naive when we married in 1981, I have hurt her deeply at times but we both agree that it has been worth it.
Will
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Dear Ryan,
I am in Australia and I would be happy to be a mentor for you.
I am married but I do know what you are going through having indulged in the gay scene here and around the world.
Like St Augustine I went through a re-conversion in my early 30's. I did not get married until I was 40 thinking that I would never be able to be a husband.
I am now 61 and still married to my beautiful wife who I told about my SSA and past history before our marriage.
Mentors are good but spiritual directors are a whole lot better.
You physically see them, you get to know each other and then you can make real progress.
You are engaged in a human and spiritual battle and you need someone help you get dressed with weaponry.
Remember it is not about winning but struggling, struggling and struggling again with joy.
Take a sporting attitude to the fight. Today I won, today I lost, tomorrow I will win.
Take one day at a time and do not count. Worry about today. Forget about yesterday - it's gone.
Do not worry about tomorrow - it may never come. Live the present moment!!!
All the best with prayers mate,
Joseph
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Henry TheTech
---The Bible only mentions homosexuality 6 or 7 times.
--- The Bible only mentions rape 0 times. Whats your point?
--- Its an abomination to eat shrimp.
- Ignorance of Jewish Law. (Old testament Law) Can be divided into 3 categories:
1) Civil Law
2) Ceremonial Law
3) Moral Law
The civil and ceremonial laws were brought in order to keep Jews a separate nation, and to be a foreshowadowing symbol of Jesus, the Messiah to come. That is why these rules are pre-cursored by God with "say to the children of Israel"
The moral law is a permanent institution, and applies to all nations. Notice that God delivers judgemnt on nations, not for eating shell fish, but for violating his moral laws of sexuality, idolatry and child sacrifices.
(List of other sexual sin)
21 And you shall not let any of your descendants pass through the fire to Molech, nor shall you profane the name of your God: I am the Lord. 22 You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination. 23 Nor shall you mate with any animal, to defile yourself with it. Nor shall any woman stand before an animal to mate with it. It is perversion. 24 ‘Do not defile yourselves with any of these things; for by all these the nations are defiled, which I am casting out before you.
by all these [behaviors] the NATIONS are defiled. So this goes beyond a prohibition to only Israel, but to all the world.
1)No child sacrifice
2)Do not profane God's name
3)Do not [as a man] lie with another man as with a woman
4)Do not have sex with animals
Notice the context of the above commands: Homosexuality is prohibited smack in between child sacrifice and beastiality.
Again, in case you missed my earlier post, there were three facets of the Jewish Law:
1) Ceremonial (Jewish Temple Law)
2) Civic (How to govern themselves)
3) Moral (Rules of behavior)
Ceremonial Law, which includes food regulations, clothing requirements and the like, served two major purposes.
First, they were symbolic for the Messiah to come. For example, the command not to mix different linens in a priestly robe was because the Messiah, Jesus, was to be the future "pure covering" who cannot be tainted.
Second, they were incredibly effective at their job: Keeping Israel a separate nation unto God. As it was written, "say to the children of Israel", is a hint that these laws are only for Israel.
Now that the Messiah has come, those ceremonial laws are no longer necessary. (Rom 10:4)
The Moral Law, however, was given as a universal decree, to all nations. All nations from the beginning found themselves under judgement for violating these moral laws.
We are to be holy as God is holy. 1 Peter 1:16
Talking about homosexuality as a sin is no more singling that behavior out anymore than it is to say that fornicators or adulterers are also sinful.
[Concerning divorce] From the beginning God made them man and woman and the two shall be joined as one flesh, and what God has joined together let no man tear asunder."
- Jesus Christ
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Recently Daniel wrote about some disingenuous xxx members, who want to convince those of us who believe in living a chaste, moral life that it is nonsense.
Isn't this what Satan does with all human beings everyday? I believe it is. He is trying to tell us to come to him, because he wants us to be his.
The gay lifestyle is built on a foundation of immorality. Even a priest was trying to convince his congregation that gays were the same as people living moral lifestyles. This was one of those crazy Catholic churches that caters to the needs of gays. This "church" was a trolling ground for gay men to find "Christian" gay men who weren't going to the bars or were already in relationships. Instead of shaking hands during the sign of peace, gay men would kiss on the lips. This Catholic church was basically just another place for gays to feed their sexually promiscuous lifestyle.
The Supreme Court voted to make marriage between gays legal, but it doesn't make it moral. It is sodomy. Nothing more. Nothing less.
The SC ruling reminds me of what a horrible boss told me once, when I questioned him on a dubious business tactic.
His response: "James, it may be immoral, but it is not illegal, so do it."
Well, I quit that job.
Thank God, I came to my senses with the gay lifestyle when I was confused and trying to figure it out. My conclusion: It is an immoral lifestyle based on lies, an appetite for insatiable gay sex and porn, self-absorption and narcissism.
My eye-opener was when I was 26 at a party in Minneapolis (a midwest gay mecca) and a creep who was coming on to me, said that he had slept with everyone in the room and that he had started to "recycle" the same men. I laughed (nervously) because there were more than 450 men in the room. I then realized that this person was not joking and that this was and still is the gay lifestyle. I was and still am disgusted.
I vowed that day to "take myself off the market". I stopped hanging out with gay men (none of whom were real friendships, because they require mandatory "sex benefits" and never looked back. That was several years ago and I couldn't be happier with my choice. When gay men know that you have chosen God over the gay lifestyle, they will hate you, because you are a living example of the truth.
Fellow xxx members, don't ever for a moment question your decision to leave that environment. Even when you are at your loneliness, you are amongst more love with God than you ever would be in the fake and self-absorbed world of homosexuality.
In Christ,
James
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I'm not replying to this conversation. However, I do see your name a lot in conversations. I was 6 years old as far as I remember. I remember my mother acting like a scary clown. Without thinking, I said God if you exist, please show me a sign. He did. I don't remember what but I had rapid thoughts of God and the truth of life. My 2 older brothers and my father teased me a lot...sissy, loser, failure, idiot...etc. I have 2 older sisters. Both molested by father. I grew up alone talking to God EVERYDAY till this day. Married with 3 children ages 13 11 8. My kids go to catholic schools. I struggle. I've done psychoanalysis 3 years 6 days a week with NARTH association a psychiatrist on healing homosexuality. Worse, the psychiatrist was atheist. My life consists of being made fun of and disbelief in others towards me. I struggle with homosexuality all my life. My wife knows however doesn't know the intensity I battle. She's supportive. However, she's lacks sexual desires. We practice natural family planning. She's afraid of getting pregnant. She's also not that talkative responsive emotional affectionate.... I understand her. But it's another battle for me. We're 40. Married 14 years. Beautiful and simple marriage. I've cheated like 10 times. I've been tested. I'm fine. I go to confession life twice a month, mass weekly etc. I've confessed. Priests comfort me. As much as I wanted to die throughout my life, I would rather live with my consequences on earth. I WILL not ever give up on the hope of Jesus's inexhaustible mercy and love before I die. Unbearable and miserable life however people know me as a daily honest inspirational and happy loving man. Integrity is my only goal in life. I breathe eat and sleep on Jesus's mercy and love and hope of His resurrection. All I do is work and go home and pray. No friends. My immediate and my wife's family have problems. I do my best to simply my life. I've lived my life around pyschos drunks.... Loneliness and humiliation are the worst things to live with on a daily basis(saint Theresa of the little flower). She's right. I'd like comment on anybody whose got a problem with marriage and struggling homosexuality. Homosexuality is having too much motherly identity growth and/or a lack of father and/or a lack of fatherhood emotional/stable growth to their son. My children love me because I bond with them. I show them love mercy discipline with gentleness affectionate actively involved in their lives. Finances have changed. I'm working harder, but I talk to my children that mom is a stay home mom and did needs to work to help the family. Life is filled with ups and downs. Surprisingly they understand and love me. Thank God. Here is my point. Homosexuality is a disorder not a disease. There are people in life who deserve to be married. Actually it's healed me more than not being married. What's the difference between the person who is battling and trying than the heterosexual who battling and trying. People are arrogant.
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Dear Allan.
I was once where you are now approximately 18 years ago.
While engaged to be married to a lovely Christian girl I was enticed away from marriage by a colleague, a "lovely gay man." We shacked up and spent 5 volatile years together. The relationship ended when another "lovely gay man" crossed my path on a beautiful beach at sunset. We spent 13 volatile years attempting to live a blessed life in an unholy union...unfortunately in vain.
Praise be to God who has brought me full circle. I am now engaged to be married in December this year to a woman I've known since my days at university. It has been a miraculous journey to this point.
The old adage of the devil being in the details has proven to be correct in my case. A declined invitation to coffee or a resisted second glance at my object of desire on the beach that fateful day 13 years ago may well have saved me a whole lot of time.
Time is fleeting but thankfully our Creator is able to make up for lost time in the most unusual ways.
You are in His hands...
Peter
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Hi TD,
I have been reading about your posts and also about your call to serve God. Let me tell you that I too am having SSA. I felt call to serve God in 2002. I took me almost 12 years to discern because like you I have been thinking how can live a religious life when I an having SSA. But after carefully discerning for 12 years, I will be doing my postulate this year and novitiate next year.
So don't give up. Continue praying and I am sure the good Lord will show you the way. I will keep you in my prayers.
Regards
M. F.
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Fred;
Yes I get that all the time. Here's a story thats interesting thou, When I was working at Juvenile hall during a session with the kids I told the kids that there was a chance I would be leaving because I had an interview to enter a Religious Order and if they said yes I would be leaving. of course this stirred conversation about what that initialed, and so I explained to them the life and the vows; I will need forget what they told me, they told they were in awe that I was living chastely as a single man, they said that from a Priest they could understand but a regular person no! in the end although they were happy I was following what I felt was GOD's calling they wished that I would stay because they felt they needed someone like me to sow them it is possible to live a chaste life in this world and not be a Religious Priest, Brother, or Sister etc.....
A. N.
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Dear friends,
I’m going to try to make this short. LOL, right? Well, I caught a cold and have been feeling on the weak side and have fallen behind, but I want to address four things from what I’ve read from you.
First, there is the ever-present condition of loneliness. I suffer from loneliness even when I’m with good friends. I need a special friend that is hard to find. What I do is try to help others, like some of you, on a one to one basis. In helping others, I feel the sexuality tones down and I can reach out to each man (and a couple of women) as human beings. It used to be that when men talked about their problems, I would find myself a bit aroused, though I never have done anything about it – no M or P – but now, and after talking to my priests for advice, I can handle delicate subjects in a polite way and continue. I’ve made a couple of mistakes and I have learned from them, but I am not looking to make anyone else fall. I tell you this because some of you might find you have the calling – as a priest told me I have – to lend someone else an ear and be of assistance. That in itself assuages loneliness.
About finding a friend, it all depends on where you live, etc. For instance, a priest told me to go to a local park and try to find a friend there. Well, most of us know that local parks can be a near occasion of sin, but the priest didn’t think of it that way. What I am doing is building up a Google+ community with music from the latter part of the 1900s and photos, and it’s growing nicely. That helps me, and I keep in touch with a couple of men around me though we’ve never talked about meeting. I am looking for a friend in the Austin area, though. I don’t want to go it alone anymore. I'm tired and weary, at least for now.
In closing, I want to tell those of you who hate themselves to stop it. Don’t hate yourself. You have certain pulls to temptations of the flesh and everyone has those, even if they’re not SSA. Some people probably feel the pull to murder others! Think of that! So try to be gentle with yourself and hand yourself over to Jesus Christ. He’s the only One who can help. But, please, please, stop the self-hatred. I have had a difficult-enough life without hating myself.
And, lastly, do not envy. I remember my mother teaching my sisters and me to be happy for other people when they were going to do something exciting, like going on vacation, and I am always excited when people are doing something I would like to do. And that way, I reap joy out of their happiness. In the case of wanting to be straight, why envy? Just be happy John Doe doesn’t have to deal with what you have to deal with, but that in other aspects unknown to you, he might have reason to be envious of you. Envy is horrible. Let it go, please.
I want you all to know that I pray for all of you, and I ask for your continued prayers because my life and pulls to temptations of the flesh are sometimes unrelenting, and matters can be very tough for me. I will admit to you that about three weeks ago, for a couple of days, I cried my eyes out.
May God bless all of you and if I have failed to reply to anyone in particular, please just drop me a note and accept my apologies. I know that someone asked me something privately and I can't find it now to answer it.
God bless,
Emil
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I haven't posted here for a while. So I just want to fill you in. To describe how I am is not so easy, at least to express it in English is somewhat of a challenge for me but I will try:
Well lately I am quite involved with helping the refugees, from Syria, who are accommodated in our community. They live in former barracks, or in one case a former Kindergarten with up to 8 men in one room. We have founded a refugee’s support organization of volunteers and do our best to be there for them and assist them in learning German and find their way around in their new cultural environment. Moreover I have been newly elected onto our church council, which gives me some additional responsibility. On top of all this I am still working as a telephone councilor for the German equivalent of what in England is known as the “Samatritans”.
All these tasks don’t take my surpressed sexual urges in connection with my SSA away. Among the refugees I look after, there are some really attractive boys but I manage to sort of detach myself from the sexual side of looking at them so that there is no real danger that anything bad could happen. –
My emotional live is comparable to a roller coaster. There are high points, for instance in connection to my church work or my involvement in the church services; and there are very low points when I am looking at gay porn videos or read stories on the internet late at night. Somehow this is like some kind of a drug. And I know full well, that it makes me feeling terrible afterwards. I get into a mood of fear, despair, sadness and insecurity. But looking at it from a rational point of view I understand the “mechanics” of the whole thing quite well: God gave me a free will and he wants me to exercise my free will choosing the right way in moments of temptation. I know that I only have to take the first step in the right direction and I get help. Well as you see, my life is a constant up and down, as it has been for many years. At least I am not physically acting out in any way.
Sometimes it helps me to give a healthy hug to one of the Syrian men in a consoling situation. Nothing sexual, if you know what I mean. Also I am hugging my wife more than before. We are both engaged in the refugee help work. So that’s my emotional situation at the moment. I am thankful to be a believer and I know that Jesus will never let go of me. I don’t know where I would be without my faith! So I shall continue to battle on and to pick myself up after falling in the hope that the falls become fewer as time goes on.Kind regards Fritz
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I suppose I might be referred to as a "re-vert" when it comes to being enrolled in xxx.
I had been a member of this Yahoo group for a few years but, after going through a variety of 'tumultuous' times which focused on my SSA, I could not stay in the group for awhile. But, now I'm back again and so far I am happy to be re-instated. Basically, I am a single "old man", never married, and find it very tough not to have a 'family' with kids and grandkids especially at this sensitive, Holy time of the year. I appreciate being in this group again and look forward to corresponding with one and all ! With some difficulty I try to maintain my overall good health and sanity by making certain that my daily prayer life is intact and stable. I welcome all comments along our SSA journey. And, I am praying fervently for all of us. Happy Christmas... Holy New Year ! Keep in mind: "Anything worth doing is never easy"...author unknown...
Tom
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I thought you might be interested to read what Pope Francis said to an interviewer for the new book The Name of God is Mercy, which was released today:
Q: May I ask you about your experiences as confessor to homosexual people? During the press conference on your return flight from Rio de Janeiro you famously remarked, “Who am I to judge?”
On that occasion I said this: If a person is gay and seeks out the Lord and is willing, who am I to judge that person? I was paraphrasing by heart the Catechism of the Catholic Church where it says that these people should be treated with delicacy and not be marginalized. I am glad that we are talking about “homosexual people” because before all else comes the individual person, in his wholeness and dignity. And people should not be defined only by their sexual tendencies: let us not forget that God loves all his creatures and we are destined to receive his infinite love. I prefer that homosexuals come to confession, that they stay close to the Lord, and that we pray all together. You can advise them to pray, show goodwill, show them the way, and accompany them along it.
Fr Philip Bochanski
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Hi. My name is Tim and as a new member of this groups, I'd like to introduce myself and throw out a question.
I'm 53 and a cradle Catholic. I have struggled with SSA all my life. By age 18, I stopped going to Mass/church all together because I was completely entrenched in porn and compulsive M. In fact, my lust was so intense and out of control that it actually felt oppressive some days even though I had no effective desire to break free. This was an incredibly difficult ambivalence to live with. I had a nervous breakdown and became agoraphobic and was unable to leave my parent's house for six months. During this time, fear and M were my constant companions. My Dad, who had had emotional difficulties as well during his life, helped me to start getting over the fear/agoraphobia. However, during that time, I discovered alcohol and an illicit drug which artificially melted away the fear and I felt "relief" finally for temporary periods.
Fast forward 35 years. During those years were AA, a panic disorder clinic, a Protestant ex-gay ministry, then years spent in a fully active gay lifestyle, then the tragic and violent death of a boyfriend followed by infidelity on the part of my next and last partner. The darkness became too dark, even for a stubbornly willful soul like me. I left the whole scene behind. Not in a Godly way, just disgusted and completely disillusioned with the horrid nature of a bar crawling, perverse life.
Lent 2015...for a few months previous to lent last year, I had been darkening the doorstep of the Catholic Church again. I also discovered the Divine Mercy Chaplet and Saint Faustina's diary. I went to confession and communion after all those years. The Red Sea didn't part, fireworks didn't go off, I wasn't having a mountaintop experience. What I did experience, though, was interior peace for the first time in literally years and years. And I cried like a baby, a LOT, for the way I had lived all those years. The tears didn't stop for days. I have pretty much been a regular church attendee since then and particularly love and look forward to receiving the Eucharist in particular (after confession, of course). Then, while praying one evening in sort of pondering prayer, I was asking God what I should do, what do I need to do, how will I do it? I clearly and undeniably received a single word directly in my heart: Purity. I knew without a doubt in that instant what Jesus was asking of me: put down ALL the impurity in my life: Yes, I had left behind much bad stuff but I was still using the illicit drug and M from time to time, both of which had become entangled in a cycle of using said substance, M, feeling awful, going to confession and doing it all again a few days later.
Which finally leads me to my question about salvation and the Catholic church. When I sometimes still fall off the wagon of sobriety sexually and chemically and feel that I am therefore in a state of mortal sin, have I lost my salvation before I have a chance to get to confession and Communion?
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Hello Tim....
Your post struck a nerve in many ways... First, welcome to xxx ...
I re-joined xxx recently with hope that I could find support, which I did. My life story has produced an infinite amount of regret. I am now 80 years old and still struggle with temptation day by day....maybe more now than ever! For 42 years I lived with a man 10 years older than I, who passed away in 2009. Now I am left with many sordid memories of "living the gay lifestyle" and am haunted by these 24/7. Through the past couple of years I have --slowly-- managed to avoid porn and M. The spiritual battle is a tough one, to be sure! The usual cycle of sin/confession still exists, but not as intense as before.
...Now, I offer a suggestion to everyone..... I visit forums.catholic.com almost daily and find people who post there having many similar problems about regrets, etc. I highly recommend this as a supportive source beyond the xxx group. Within the website is the opportunity to pose specific questions to Father Vincent Serpa, an apologist.
...Purity ...aka chastity...on a daily basis for men in particular is the "butterfly in a windstorm"...very difficult to manage! I pray constantly to God ... thanking Him for His grace and love first of all and then clearly re-stating my plea for ...."strength and guidance...peace and purity... courage and compassion" as the remaining days/hours of my life rush by. My daily prayer life is usually not as strong as I want it to be, but I find great measures of happiness when I look back on the day just passed when I have recited at least one Rosary and possibly have attended Mass and received Holy Communion.
... So, ....just a few personal reflections to give everyone some "food for thought" today.
I am happy to have returned to xxx. I feel very much "at home" here and appreciate reading everyone's posts and replies. I pray that we all accomplish strength and guidance from Almighty God as we all struggle with the cross of SSA.
Tom
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Gary,
The Church cannot depart from Jesus' commandments. God is love and therefore the Church welcomes ALL and of course tries her best (and must even improve) to charitably approach every person (no matter what).
However, the Church's main purpose is not to please the people, not even to secure our wealth-being on Earth; but to spread the Gospel and through it provide a path for the salvation of the souls. Jesus Christ founded it as a door to Heaven since He is the way, the truth and the life.
I also hate to be reminded that I have misbehaved or that if I engage in same-sex relationships I am under mortal sins, but I rather be told the truth so that I can change my conduct than being treated "nicely" and left mistaken in the wrong hope that my acts wont have serious consequences in the afterlife.
It is time to differentiate in our language the SSA people from the gay movement or LGBT groups. While people with SSA (like myself) are persons who happen to have a mental disorder, so there are things to be actually fixed (whether you like it or not- homosexuality was considered a mental disorder by the American Psyquiatrist Association and it was only removed from the list of psycopathies because of the political preasure made by the gay lobby), the LGBT community is an ideology whose main agenda is to undermine the foundations of the Christian teaching on marriage, family, sex, adoption, birth-control, etc. As a result of the above, activism within the gay community, as what it truly is: a group of people who are proud of their sinnful behaviour and try to impose an inmoral political agenda on social issues, is NOT compatible with the Catholic faith. That will not mean that the Church will not treat the individuals who belong to the gay community with love and respect but the Church cannot approve what they stand for.
It is like the communism, socialism or masonry; membership to such movements is on breach with the Catholic teaching.
On reparative therapy; I have been doing it for the past year and I can confirm for your info that I am not traumatized nor considered myself under any danger. If it has been "banned" from some US states it was because of the preasure exercised by the gay lobby. There is only one psyquiatrist here in Spain who does it an he has received deadly threats from gay activists. There was even an American therapist who came to Spain to talk about his book on reparative therapy and the gay activists managed through preasure and cohertion that not a single hotel in town would welcome him to host the meeting.
Finally, this weekend the gay pride parade will take place in Madrid; as in the last few editions, many Catholic churches will be targeted and will have to be closed down to prevent attacks. Thats another evidence of the hate that some within the LGTB feel towards the Church. On the contrary, the Church welcomes the sinners but it is her duty to fight against the sin for our own sake.
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Homosexual persons ARE different, but in one way many people might not have thought about very much. - homosexuals as victim souls
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Hey Marc--
I agree it's not easy and still a struggle for me as well.
One phrase they use in 12-step sex addiction programs is "progress not perfection". While you may not be where you want to be, condemning yourself for failing to live up to certain self-ascribed standards can often leads to shame that can lead to more negative behavior. I actually think it is a huge accomplishment to go a whole year! Don't treat your sexual sobriety as a race you have to win, but rather a a choice to live in God's Grace every day. If you think about it, one time in 365 days is a 99% success rate! Just focus on one day at a time and strive for another year!
Some things that have helped me:
a browser filter, limiting my Facebook contacts/activity, giving up smoking marijuana, throwing away/deleting any porn media, not visiting sites that cater to GLBTQ community, not bringing my smart phone/laptop to bed, limiting time on the internet and for only specific tasks, not watching movies/TV shows w heavy sexual content, and not getting into sexual conversations w friends (talking about who is hot, etc). I also live in a house where that behavior or bringing people home is close to impossible.
I believe it's not just about what we're not doing, but what we're replacing it with as well. For me it's a lot of prayer and inspirational/spiritual/religious reading, as well as working on personal life goals. I realize now that for my getting lost in porn on a regular basis was an escape from my feelings and problems. The more I keep this in front of me, the more obvious it gets. It helps me to see my own past behavior more clearly in others too. I work with a lot of young guys and many of them spend every night not dealing with their lives/feelings with a constant stream of partying and hooking up with random women. They complain about how empty and unfulfilling it is, yet the next night they're lining up for more.
In my experience, the more you distance yourself from porn and it's related behavior, the less appealing it becomes. When you are immersed in gay culture, sexually objectifying yourself and others is completely normalized, so it takes time to get perspective and objectively question a lot of behavior that previously seemed as common as having a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Even though I have no interest in women and will never marry, more faith based reading about sex I do, the more grotesque and disturbing much of what I have seen and done in my past seems to me. I think this is a blessing, because before I saw my situation as unfair, and that it should be possible to be Catholic and at the same time run my own personal sexual agenda. But the more honest and objective I am, the more I see how they are completely incongruent and require that I make a different choice on a daily basis. Hopefully it will get easier, but at least I am able to see it with a clearer perspective.
Blessings!
Mark
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Question:
Hey everyone,
I have been reading you and joining you in prayers. I just have to say that I don't understand all this suffering. I don't understand how we are supposed to deal with all of this. I love God, the church, but since I was a little kid I started experiencing SSA, I have tried to fight against it. Got a girlfriend, almost 6 years of relationship.... broke up because of this. I have never talked to ANYONE about this.
Now, after almost 8 years of friendship with this guy that is almost my brother I am realizing I am "in love" (Hope not, probably an obsession or something) with him. Several times I've herd his stories and sexual experiences with other girls and I got upset. It was very difficult for me to go to a pool or even go and spent the night in his house. We spend a lot of time together. This has always being wrong and I never stopped it, we are really good friends, he thinks I'm the best friend ever but that's not true. He has no idea how I feel.
Now he's getting into a formal relationship with a girlfriend and I'm just going nuts. I often hang out with them, I like to see that he is happy but it kills me inside; I'm just realizing how much I spent this last years of life focusing in someone and in something that will never happen; and I don't know what to do.
Please, if there's someone here who had experienced something like this, help me.
I just know that if one day I have the chance to talk to God and to literally hear his voice I will ask why...
Thank you for reading!
Mario
Answer 1 =>
Mario,
I don't really know, but I think that telling your friend too much may freak him out a bit and may change the relationship. I remember having a friend of the opposite sex. It was all fine until I sensed that she had romantic feelings for me that I did not have for her. I couldn't handle it so I pulled away from the relationship.
I think it is very special what you have with your friend. As you share, it has no chance to proceed to anything else. If there is a way to appreciate and enjoy the level of intimacy you have and to let that bring about some healing.
I can relate. I find that in many of my male friendships I long for a level of intimacy that just goes past normally socially accepted norms. I don't want to have s-- contact with them, but I wish there could be closeness. I have been finding some benefit in learning to be thankful for the friendship as it is, which is actually a rare blessing in this world with so many lonely people. I also find that diversifying helps. I find different types of satisfaction from different people, not all just packaged in one person. That prevents me from expecting too much of one relationship and thus fixating too much on one relationship.
I guess I have come to learn that in my case, any physical thoughts, are really just replacements for relational intimacy that I long for. Little by little I am healing from that with healthy relationships.
All the best to you. Mario.
Charles
Answer 2 =>
Dear Mario,
I know the pain you're going through. I've been through a similar situation myself. What you're describing is unrequited love. One of the most painful types of all is the love that is not returned.
I also had a best friend who I did everything with. He and I were so compatible and got along so well. We clicked and did everything together. I considered him my brother and he considered me his brother. I have no siblings, so this was a very big deal to me. He never had a brother his age, so it was a big deal to him. I told him from an early point that I was gay and he even accepted that about me, even though he was straight. And then, over a few months, I started feeling more for him. I started falling in love with him and I couldn't stop it. I did tell him how I felt for him. Because he cared about me so much and was such a descent guy, he accepted that I felt that way about him, but he didn't feel that way back. He even accepted when I told him that I loved him, because I did love him, as a brother but also as more than that. He was so gentle and kind and compassionate and I will forever be grateful for the way he handled it.
But my love for him was tearing me apart. I was becoming so depressed, I entered into an endless longing, and my heart kept trying to tell him how much I loved him, even though I knew it could not be returned in the same way, the heart does not understand this.
Whenever he would talk about a woman being attractive, it would bother me. And then one day he found a girlfriend. It was difficult for me on one level because it felt like he was moving on and that there would never be a chance between him and I to be in love. But of course, the reality was, he could never be "in love" with me. I knew it deep down, and because I loved him, I was happy for him that he found someone, a very lucky someone to love him and that he found someone he loved in that romantic "in love" way. So whenever he would speak of his girlfriend to me, even in the ups and downs, I would be there for him, listening and giving a shoulder. I wanted him to be happy.
When you really truly love someone, you want them to be happy even above your own happiness. When you love someone, you have to let them be free. In that freedom that you release to them in your own heart, by no longer holding sadness and resentment toward their happiness, you give them the purest and highest act of love that you can give to another person.
I was able to continue my friendship with my friend for a few more years and as time went on, things got easier emotionally for me in accepting things the way they are. Every situation is different. But I say to you, you can still love your friend deeply, but you need to let his heart be free. And in so doing, your heart will be lifted. In the lifting of your heart, the Lord will be beside you, He will comfort you and He will smile upon you.
God bless you and your friend. We are here for you Mario.
Your brother in Christ,
Shawn
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