快樂不是一件自我存在的東西，它僅是與其他不快樂事情的一個相對比照，這就是快樂的整個情況。
Happiness
ain't a thing in itself --- it's only a contrast with something that ain't
pleasant. That's all it is.
真正的大不敬是不尊重別人的神。
True
irreverence is disrespect for another man's god.
人類是唯一如此的動物：他愛護他的鄰居就如同愛護他自己一樣，但是如果對方的宗教神學有問題，他會割斷對方的喉嚨。
He
is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself, and cut his throat if
his theology isn't straight.
每一個人生下來都擁有一項資產，它比其他所有的資產價值都高，就是他最後的一口氣。
Each
person is born to one possession which outvalues all his others --- his last
breath.
良好的教養在於隱藏我們對自己較佳的評價，以及隱藏我們對他人較差的評價。
Good
breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little
we think of the other person.
「名聲」如同是蒸氣，「聲望」如同是意外，在地球上唯一可以確定的事情是被遺忘掉。
Fame
is vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
「原則」是「偏見」的另一個名稱。
Principles
is another name for prejudice.
被大膽說出的預言，從來不會被迷信的人認為是愚笨無趣的。
Prophecies
boldly uttered never fall barren on superstitious ears.
「必要」不認識任何的「法律」。
Necessity
knows no law.
當你為愛情而釣魚時，要用你的心當作餌，而不是用你的腦筋。
When
you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
如果所有的人都是富有的，那麼所有的人都是貧窮的。
If
all men were rich, all men would be poor.
經常要坦白地承認一項過失錯誤，這將使你的上司意料防備不及，才會給你一個機會去犯更多的錯誤。
Always
acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard
and give you an opportunity to commit more.
首先去取得你的事實，然後你才能夠隨心所欲的扭曲誤解它。
Get
your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you like.
一個人最危險的敵人是他自己的口舌。
The
deadly enemy of a man, his own tongue.
一本懷有惡意的書籍將不會傷害到任何人，除了寫作它的傻瓜。
A
malignant book would hurt nobody but the fool who wrote it.
預言是人類唯一一項無法經由練習而改善的技術。
Prophesying
was the only human art that couldn't be improved by practice.
當一個人閱讀聖經時，他對上帝所知程度的驚訝是低於他對上帝所不知程度的驚訝。
When
one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what he
doesn't know.
亞當真是一位老糊塗，他本來一切事情都很順利，而且他已經成功的贏得社區內最漂亮女孩子的芳心，但是他對自己的征服成果卻感到不滿足，他必須去吃那一顆可憐的小蘋果。
What
a fool old Adam was. Had everything his own way; had succeeded in gaining the
love of the best looking girl in the neighborhood, but yet unsatisfied with his
conquest he had to eat a miserable little apple.
印度擁有兩百萬個神，他們崇拜所有的這些神。在宗教上其他的國家都是窮人，印度是唯一的「百萬富翁」。
India
has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion other countries are
paupers; India is the only millionaire.
如果你收養了一隻饑餓可憐的狗，並且讓牠舒適順利，牠將不會咬你，這便是一個人與一隻狗之間最主要的差別。
If
you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This
is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
沒有一個世紀，也沒有一個國家曾經缺少過這樣的專家，他們能夠知道上帝的心思，而且也願意表示出來。
There
was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the
Deity's mind and were willing to reveal it.
有一個人從天堂來到人間旅遊，他所使用的是有效三十天的減價票，他試圖要把他的回程票賣掉。
Ingersoll's
story of the man that went down from heaven on a reduced-rate excursion ticket
good for 30 days --- and tried to sell his return ticket.
為了練習，首先神造了傻人，然後祂創造了教育委員會。
In
the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School
Boards.
雖然在一切的成長物中，愛情看上去是最快的，究其實卻最遲緩。男男女女沒有一個人曉得什麼是十全十美的愛，除非一直到他們結婚了二十五年之後。
Though
love seems the fastest of all growths, it is really the slowest. No man or
woman knows what perfect love is, until they have been married a quarter of a
century.
在四月一日時，回想一下這一年來的其他364天自己在做些什麼。
The
first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the
year.
我會用city而永不用Metropolis來表達城市，用cop而永不用policeman來表達警察，既然三丶四個字母可以賺七個美分，為什麼要用長而贅的字呢？
I
never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for
city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.
不要把事實告訴不值得的人。
Never
tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
真相比小說還要不可思議。
Truth
is more of a stranger than fiction.
讓我們陷入困境的不是無知，而是看似正確的謬誤論斷。
What
gets us into trouble is not what we don't know.
It's
what we know for sure that just ain't so.
每個人都是月亮,總有一個陰暗面,從來不讓人看見。
Every
one is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
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