It is never easy for me to say this. So I will have to say it in English, though I very barely wrote anything here in English.
I give up.
Totally give up on my relationship that should have passed away 9 months ago. I just can’t stay myself in that imagenery relationship anymore, and firmly believe there will never been anything that turns up good. I give up the hope to go to Australia next year, and know I should not go. It’s not good for me, I have hurt myself enough.
This relationship haunts me everywhere. I couldn’t go to the bookstore travel section. To see Sydney, Australia, Thailand, even my trip to Europe this summer, it sores me. Whether that little yellow building in city center or the cottage right on the mountain, they made me think about the happy time we had there, and they had there, they slept on the same bad, maybe fucked, and I was just too naive to fool myself. I used to use his birthday as the pin for my lockers in the gym, but after last December I have just been so confused. I shouldn’t, then I lost myself since. I used . as the nickname on MSN, I don’t have myself. I cried over Yoga, whenever something soothes me. I found my eyes moistured when I see other love birds. Why it’s just not me?
I know I deeply love you. Without any word, it has been everywhere. As long as you are fine, everything else didn’t matter to me. I saw you, and knew you were happy. That has been enough for me. Time to care about myself now.
There have been many chances in last year I could make a wish - over Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year, my birthday, Valentine’s Day, Chinese Valentine’s, and even in other day... I couldn’t make any. That’s how depressed and hopeless I have been in over eight months. I want to firmly make this wish, and love to make it true - I want to have my happiness back, I need my calmness back, and joy back. To read But before everything starts, I kindly ask myself, let go. I love you, but let go.
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