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I want to talk about the beautiful brokenness that lay at the very heart of humanity.
I’m listening to Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah, it reminds me again that Bono once said the most holy music comprised of the dual element of ecstasy and agony.

And that sounds a lot like faith.

Sometimes I get cosy in my theology, which in itself is no bad thing, for we do value and pursue a peaceful state of mind. But sometimes I feared I’ve become too comfortable with my faith. I never want to be totally settled in my theology for any prolonged period lest myself become proud and arrogant. Faith needs to be reflected, rethought and reinvented all the time.

When difficult questions about faith arise, they do sting and cut like a sharp sword. And I do groan as it cuts through my flesh. But it is a stripe I’m willing to bear, or even gladly carry. As it is a must for any true spiritual growth.

I’ve often asked the Lord to take me higher. To ascend me to the higher views, to see the bigger picture from his grand scale. But now I’m asking him to lay me down. To descend me so I’m level with the ground. So I can hear and see and feel all that felt by his children of the underdogs.

Last night as I twisted and turned in bed in great agony, feeling the evil streaks washing up on me. It is hard to describe, but in that moment I felt myself capable of all the evil in the world: anger, uncontrollable rampage, violent slaughters, total disdain for others…etc, hell, I even feel like cursing God and threw it at his face. Of course, all this time my sanity hasn’t left me, and my rationale can still tell myself how horrible my thoughts and feelings are.

And right at that moment, a thought crosses my mind:
"Jesus has been through this all as well."
It came not as a question to ponder or entertain, but more as a positive statement. Set and sealed. The fuller narrative: we are all capable of the most extreme good and evil in the world. We are not only capable of the horrendous acts, but also of the most treacherous thoughts/feelings. It is part of our humanity. When Jesus came in the form of man, he too is born with this double-streak of goodness and wickedness. He CAN’ feel the violent and hateful emotions too. He has been tempted by violent and hateful thoughts and actions. But he is the only one that can subdue them fully under love and self-giving. The Son of Man was TEMPTED as those treacherous images and thoughts ran through his mind. Those feelings and inclinations are nowhere weak or slight. But stronger still is his love for God and people, and his willingness to lay himself down. It adds a whole new layer to the line from the U2 song ’I still haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’:
"You break the bonds and loose the chains/
Carried the cross of my shame/
All my shame"
It wasn’t just the physical/explicit shame, Jesus didn’t just bear the consequence of sin for us, he carried the emotional stigma and bore the torments of the soul, too.

Maybe it is too radical to think that Jesus HAD treacherous and violent thoughts. But it makes tremendous sense – one of the most important and controversial manifesto facing the early patriarchs is Jesus’ humanity and deity. It would have been a lot easier if the patriarchs would settle for Jesus as God but not man – surely everyone would have no difficulty accepting Jesus as a divine being that surpasses the weakness that trapped men in their shabby status, and we wouldn’t need to have the first great division that sprang the Gnostics right? Yet the early church fathers fought hard for it, the notion of Jesus as fully God and fully man cannot be compromised. So if we were just too ready to reject the thought of Jesus ever having violent and hateful emotions and thoughts, we would be undercutting Jesus’ humanity that the patriarchs fought hard to preserve.

I think this is another dimension of Jesus I could get used to.
How he tripped through the barbed wires to be with us, to get us out.
Amazing grace.