我的世界再度被抽的淨空，回到去年底那種專心
每天只管dissertation的進度──雖然已經沒有辦法達到過去那種絕對純粹澄澈的專注
不管是環境使然，或是春光乍洩中的那種self-imposed exile
很多事情會突然顯得清明

brave heart and dangerous mind
我一直著迷於這中間的熱情浪漫
但是同時需要多大的決心
認清現實之後還能持之以恆的勇氣
i thought i’m capable of the bravery on calvary
only to realise it is that of quixote:
absurd, awkward, out-of-place, unwanted and unwarranted

雖然這些現在已經不重要了
就連不堪都會慢慢失去感覺

我要說的是
我總是錯失了關鍵的時間點
不停地捕拾那些我來不及的年代
或者以為哪樣的焚以繼晷的認真可以彌補橫在我們中間的年月
好像太晚才起步看卡爾維諾
在已經瘋過燒過才開始捕捉餘燼

大概就是這樣吧
fiona apple也是
my knowledge of her, let alone appreciation, only came years late
然後是那樣的revelation, the words mark my situation - so accurately and precisely:

You’ll never see – the courage I know
Its colours’ richness won’t appear within your view
I’ll never glow – they way that you glow
You presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention – to you

You’ll say you understand, but you don’t understand
You’ll say you’d never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can’t afford to lie

You’ll never touch – these things that I hold
The skin of my emotion lies beneath my own
You’ll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown – to you

You’ll say, don’t fear your dreams, it’s easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie

You’ll never live the life that I live
I’ll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You’ll never hear the message I give
You’ll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadow undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realise what I am now too smart to mention – to you

You’ll say you understand, you’ll never understand
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in, you don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I’ll never need a lie