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2003-11-16 22:23:36 | 人氣(342) |
 Write:Limonize
(joan sheldon" )
Dear Lulu,
Looking at your beautiful, half-naked sleeping form on the bed, three hours after we have made love, I am awestruck by how lucky I am to have you in my life.
How few of us ever have the person we want?
My thoughts are churning, keeping me awake. I realise if I do not
write this letter tonight, I may never say the words that I feel you have a right to hear.
For too long, I have been letting my hands try to say what I should be able to say to your face that I just can't seem to. When I told you that I loved you ?before you were to leave for your new job - I
realised deep down even as I said it, that you deserved better than to have it blurted at you in such a reluctant, recalcitrant way in your work office. I realised that no matter how I felt about you, I was a coward to wait until then to tell you how much you mattered to me. As you said so eloquently put it later: "love is not a business deal" and I sullied things, by saying those words with more determination to try and hide my need of you, than to try and have you feel loved by hearing those words said to you..
Initially, I was scared to put it out there and risk revealing myself, maybe locking myself into something before I felt ready. Then later, when you talked about possibly going away, I was too scared to put it out there and risk being rejected for having waited so long. I said nothing until I felt I had nothing to lose but my pride anyway, because you were already exiting out of my life.
I know it's no excuse; letting down my guard is something I've been taught is contra-indicated in most situations. I know I've been unfair to you, coming on to you when you were already with Brian, coming on to you while I was in jail, and again, when I was with Kim..
And as you know already from these and other situations like the cellphone thing, I'm your basic spoilt brat when I don't get what I want.
Even now, as I write this, feeling as deeply as I do about you - what
a leap of faith it must take to believe in me ?I'm sorry to have to say that writing what I feel is the best I can do at this time. I ask your forgiveness and patience, and want you to realise that I really *am * trying.
I will never forget the first time I met you in the Fallin & Fallin offices when my father had interviewed you. Your eyes looked so warm and bright. Regardless of what I thought when I learned that you actually *chose * to work at a place like LSP over doing corporate, even then, I could not help but respect the fact that you were prepared to put your money where your mouth is, taking significantly lower pay to do the work you felt was meaningful.
When you blew me off to go ahead and marry Brian, it was hard for me to take:
As you said, I am selfish, spoiled and arrogant - as you so clearly pointed the day we made love in the courtroom. You showed me what I'd suspected all along, that it was me you wanted (not some yoga goof who'd you'd been playing me with - just like I had done to you when I made sure Kim was at the Incline, betting you would show up that night - yes, I confess to that). And even after that, it took awhile for me to forgive you for having gone off with goose, even though I'd been a complete ass, trying to convince you your marriage was a mistake while you were married and trying sincerely to make things work..
There's a lot of things I want to say in this letter, Lulu. But if I forget to say anything important, I want to make sure you know at least this much, if nothing else: I can't remember a time in my life when I felt more frightened and lonely then when I was in a jail cell for days on end. I didn't show it much when you showed up, but with the walls closing in on me for days, paranoia setting in, and thinking I was getting swallowed up whole into the belly of a whale, maybe to never to see a free day again, I bounced betweeen panic and numbness. From moment to moment.
Aside from Jake and my father, I remember you were the only person who gave a damn about me and came to visit - even putting up with being searched - in the process.
So believe me when I say this, though it's taken me this long time to:
I was so damn grateful that you came, Lulu! You have no idea. I don't have any words that could ever thank you deeply enough!
At a time when you should have been on your honeymoon, there you were, dressed up in a sleeveless, black and white dress and makeup, looking ready to dance with me - if only all that ram-proof plexiglass, and a certain goose hadn't been blocking my universe out,
I would have taken you in my arms and forced you to confess your desires right there.
Because I KNEW RIGHT THEN HOW DEEPLY YOU LOVED ME - AND HOW DEEPLY I
LOVED YOU ?but I just couldn't choke out the words, and I couldn't accept the situation..
I hated myself for being the fuck up that I was, hated my frailty, my vulnerability, and hated you for the inarguable reasons that I didn't want to face up to for why you continued to pick that goose over me.
That day after you left, I cried so hard into my cot blanket that you wouldn't have recognised me.
But I'll always be indebted. Because before you came on that day, all I'd been thinking about is how I could get my hands on something to kill myself with, to end it all. You pulled me from my worst (didn't exactly pick the prettiest topic to write about there, did I?)
Lulu, I can't tell you why I find it so hard to tell you how I feel maybe it's part of the Fallin makeup. Maybe your own guardedness makes me a little nervous too, sometimes. I have learned that you can be just as untrusting sometimes, as I am. Unlike some women, you don't exactly throw it all out there. And when you do, there I am, making you feel sorry you did, punishing you like it's never, ever enough. That's because I can't get enough of you, Lulu: your heart, your decency, your caring, your incredibly sexy kiss. I just can't get enough. I taste and smell you in my daydreams and I crush you with my wanting, in my dream-filled sleep.
But you've always met me more than halfway, Lulu, and that's. something I do remember and appreciate. You're smart to keep someone like me at arms' length, as much as I hate it to admit it. I really could mess you up with my coldness and cynicisms if you give me half a chance.
I could make a list of all your wonderful qualities, Lulu, and someday, I will, but for now, you'll just have to settle for these few.
I love your mystique, your embracement of good things, your spirit and determination. I love your loyalty and devotion to seeing the people around you happy. Especially me. (Goose excluded).
I love your courage, high-spiritedness, your tirelessness for your work, your patience and level-headedness - and your nurturance of things ?even dead flowers. I love your innocence and playful, romantic nature.I love that you asked me out on a date, and that you had the gumption to book us a bed and breakfast, and that you were so quick to get into a car right after your recovery!
Lulu, from the bottom of my heart, as I watch your black-haired head turned away from me as you sleep quietly and I wait for you to awaken and breathe real life into mine once again, I want to tell you I love you. I love you so much.
If I sound like a lovesick teenager, its because I feel like one.
I don't want to feel any other way, when I'm around you.
Nick
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